RIP Mom
January 10th, 2021 
1:11 am My mom passed away on January 3rd. π Her condition kept deteriorating because the cancer kept spreading. She couldn’t stand up or walk. An ambulance was called because of how bad she was. They kept her in the hospital for a few days then sent her to a hospital in Pittsburgh. π₯
Her cancer doctor in our area said that he didn’t think there was anything more he can do because the cancer was terminal. She was being transferred to Pittsburgh because they offered targeted radiation that she was looking forward to getting. She took a turn for the worse and had pneumonia and the cancer was back in her lungs. She had brain bleeds from the cancerous tumors. The doctors told us to get to the hospital on Christmas because they thought she was going to die then. She was on a ventilator and it was awful seeing her like that. I was there to say goodbye and that I love her. I don’t know if she heard me because she was unconscious. She fought so hard for over a year but at this point, she was done fighting. π
I’m absolutely heartbroken and sad. π I had a very hard time with my grandma’s death but this is even worse. The funeral was Friday the 8th. It was a nice funeral but very sad. It was upsetting seeing her lifeless in the casket. β° More people showed up than we thought, the funeral home did have a limit of how many people could be there because of COVID-19. I cried so hard during the whole thing. She was my world. π I’m glad she is no longer suffering. She was such an amazing and caring person who did everything she could to help others. β€
God saw you were getting tired, and a cure was not to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered, “Come to me.” With tearful eyes, we watched you and saw you pass away, although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard-working hands at rest. God broke our hearts to prove to us, he only takes the best.
Tags : Family
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September 9th, 2020 10:27 am I haven’t blogged lately because I’ve been going through a lot. My mom’s cancer has spread to her brain. This is what happened to my grandma. I’m worried about her. π She is still going through chemo and had radiation on her head. Before the radiation, she could barely walk or function. She’s doing a bit better now and will be getting more scans. My dad’s dementia has also gotten worse.
I also still haven’t been able to get mental health care. I was having to go to the ER to get my medications. Someone from behavioral health at the hospital called a mental health place and got me a phone counselor appointment. For some reason, these places require counseling before seeing a psychiatrist. π The ER doctor set up a follow-up appointment with a regular doctor. I went to that and they took me on as a patient. The doctor said she would prescribe my medications until I can get into a psychiatrist so I don’t have to keep running to the ER. I have to do drug testing because of some medications I’m on but that isn’t a problem. The pandemic has prevented me from getting care because most places I’ve called wouldn’t even let me schedule an appointment. I’m also living in a rural area and that makes it more difficult.
Yesterday was my 37th birthday. π My mom ordered me a cake and it was really good. It was a custom order. I’m really picky about cake (and food in general). My favorite is marble with white buttercream frosting. It was an ok day.
Tags : Birthday, Doctor, Family, Mental health
Moved back to Pennsylvania
May 23rd, 2020 10:18 am At the end of March, I moved back to Pennsylvania. I wanted to stay in Arizona but the cost of living was getting too high and my lease was up. The moving company ended up being a huge nightmare, saying they’d only charge one amount but it kept changing. They waited until the last minute the day before moving day and on moving day to add all these other charges. After the moving company came to pick everything up, I stayed in a hotel for a night and had to fly out to Pittsburgh the next day. β This all happened when COVID-19 was starting to get bad but I had to move because everything was already paid for. There were only 9 other people on the plane. I didn’t arrive in Pittsburgh until after 2 am. I haven’t flown in a long time and it wasn’t a very pleasant flight with turbulence and I was getting motion sickness. It took about 2 weeks until the moving company delivered my stuff. A piece of furniture was damaged and some things were stolen out of boxes. The insurance was pretty useless, 60 cents per pound wasn’t enough to replace things. They have a lot of bad reviews online and for a good reason, they were terrible.
My mom also had clear scans a few months ago, so they lowered the amount of chemo she was on and has to get new scans soon. My dad also has dementia and mental health issues. He’s been having to go to the hospital a lot because of his behavior and the police were called several times. I really don’t want to be here but I didn’t have a choice. I haven’t been able to get mental health care for myself because places are still closed because of COVID-19. My psychiatrist in Arizona provided 2 months’ worth of medications and that’s it. I’m running out again but every mental health place I’ve called said they aren’t scheduling until July. This is a really small town. They don’t seem to be offering phone appointments either. I may have to go to the ER to get medications but I don’t know if they’ll prescribe them. The governor here has only allowed a few places to open with restrictions. π
This has been a really stressful situation with everything I’m dealing with. That’s why I haven’t blogged in months. π
Tags : Mental health, Moving
A not so merry Christmas
December 23rd, 2019 10:30 am I haven’t blogged in a while because I received some devastating news last month which is making my depression worse. My mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer that has metastasized into her liver. At first, she was coughing a lot and went to the doctor to get a chest x-ray. They told her she had to go to the hospital because her lung was filled with fluid. The hospital there couldn’t do much so she was sent to Pittsburgh. They had to put a tube in to keep draining the fluid. She was in the hospital for over a week because of the lung fluid, then had to start on chemo. The type of cancer is really aggressive and there are 2 stages to small cell lung cancer: limited stage and extensive stage. It’s extensive stage because it has spread. I’m really worried about her because my grandma had lung cancer that metastasized to her brain and she died. π’
I really need to stop smoking π That was the cause of the cancer in my mom and grandma. It’s so hard though, I don’t know how I’m going to do it with all the stress I’m under. I may have to go back to vaping but even then it didn’t feel like I was getting enough nicotine and gave it up.
I’m not doing much for Christmas. I did do some π decorating in my apartment which I haven’t done in years. I plan on baking some cookies too. πͺ
Tags : Christmas, Depression, Family
Deadmau5 was awesome
October 12th, 2019 9:12 am Last Saturday I went to see Deadmau5 for the Cube v3 tour. I bought a ticket in advance but it was a regular GA ticket. I really wanted the VIP meet & greet ticket but I didn’t have the money at the time and they sold out fast. I joined the Deadmau5 forum and found someone willing to sell one to me. I was pretty ecstatic. The VIP ticket included priority entry into the venue, first access to merchandise, a tour on stage to see the cube up close and personal, an autograph and picture with Deadmau5, and access to the pit. I gave my GA ticket to someone but I had also bought a pit ticket because I didn’t think I’d be able to get a VIP ticket. I tried to sell it but nobody bought it. Since the VIP ticket was expensive, I started a GoFundMe and raised $100 from other fans. I really appreciated everyone’s generosity and kindness.
Anyway, I bought a tour shirt, pin and glow ears. After the tour on stage, I was waiting to do the meet & greet. I was nervous and had a drink to calm me down a little. While waiting in line to meet him, I got beer spilled all over me which I wasn’t happy about. My socks and shoes were soaked. I didn’t have anything to dry off with so I just dealt with it. I was next in line to meet him. He was nice and pretty cool. There wasn’t much time to talk but I told him I’ve been a fan for around 10 years and asked how that was going for me and asked me where I was from, I told him I’m from here now but am originally from Pennsylvania. He said something about the heat here and I said I preferred the heat over the cold. He signed my VIP pass and we took a quick picture. I thanked him and went through the doors to the pit area for the show. It was of course awesome. It was a great night and I’m glad I got to have this experience. Yesterday I got the picture with him and I look pretty terrible because of all the weight gain from medications. Oh well. I’m trying to focus on the experience and how fun it all was. I posted my signed lanyard on the forum and Deadmau5 himself commented saying hi again which was pretty cool.
Here are some pictures I took:
Tags : Shows
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September 8th, 2019 9:30 am Today is my 36th birthday π. I don’t really have any plans because I’m introverted and would rather stay home. I am going to make the Italian pasta salad I like so much. If you want the recipe, you can find it here. It’s just another day pretty much. Time flies. In 4 years I’ll be 40 and that’s a scary thought.
My parents sent me this card:
Nothing else to really say except I’ve been struggling a lot with my illnesses but that’s nothing new. I also miss my grandparents (they died quite awhile ago). Birthdays and holidays have never been the same since.
Tags : Birthday
Radio Silence
July 8th, 2019 10:34 am I’ve pretty much put this site on the back burner for 6 months. I’ve been dealing with a lot of mental and physical health issues that are still ongoing and updating it hasn’t been much of a priority for me. Medications have been switched around several times and I keep getting sick. I guess I’ll do some updates in list format:
- My depression has been bad again for a while for reasons I’d rather not get into.
- I bought a ticket to a Deadmau5 concert here in October. The ticket prices were actually reasonable this time. The 2 night New Year’s Eve festivals he has been playing at have been way too expensive.
- I’ve done a lot of rearranging and redecorating of my apartment.
- I received an e-mail in May about being blog of the week on Blogging Fusion but can’t seem to find it. It could have been a post I deleted.
- The grocery store a block away from me closed permanently at the end of June which was really disappointing because I had been going there for 7 years. I’m having to spend more to have groceries delivered because I have trouble getting around.
- I have to figure out more transportation options since I lost my license and car years ago. The bus completely freaks me out because of creepy men being gross.
- I’m looking forward to the new War of Ages album coming out in September. I ordered a pre-order bundle.
- Stranger Things season 3 was pretty good.
- I need to try to blog more often, even though I don’t have a whole lot to say.
Tags : Depression, Health
A new theme
January 30th, 2019 10:45 am I figured it was finally time to change the theme. I really like this one. There were a lot of hiccups trying to get everything working properly.
I saw my doctor last week and was prescribed Lithium for my mood problems. It’s too early to tell if it’s going to help or not. I’ve also been having a lot of pain as I often do. I spoke to a gynecologist about the pain and that I think a hysterectomy would be best since nothing else is really helping. She’d be willing to do the surgery but I have to find out if it’s covered by insurance, and then my mom would have to fly out here to help me recover. Insurance coverage is iffy and I don’t know whether I want to go through with it. Honestly, surgery scares the shit out of me and the only surgery I’ve had was a tonsillectomy when I was a kid. That wasn’t a good experience. I guess I need some more time to think about it.
That’s all the updates I have for now. 
Tags : Health, Mental health, Site
Happy 2019?
January 17th, 2019 3:40 pm I fell behind on blogging again because I got hit with bad depression. I’m still dealing with it (and probably always will). I’m still in therapy and will be seeing my doctor soon. I also had someone else come over and help but I don’t know how that’s going to work out yet because I just met him. The weather has also had some effect. Even though it doesn’t snow here, it got pretty cold for
My holidays were uneventful as they usually are. That’s about the time when this depression hit, around Thanksgiving. I’m feeling a bit better today, probably because I got a decent amount of sleep last night and I’ve only been sleeping a few hours a night for a while. I’m also trying to get back to updating my social media again. I’m taking it day by day I guess.
I just wanted to post a quick update since it’s been so long.
Tags : Depression, Mental health
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