This is so hard

I’m still completely in love with my ex-girlfriend, we’re just friends now but it’s really hard. I want to be with her so badly but she loves her boyfriend and won’t leave him. She says she loves me back but doesn’t want to get back with me. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with someone this much before, it hurts. I ended up kissing her yesterday and I shouldn’t have, but she kissed me back. I wish she’d leave that guy who treats her like crap and be with me instead, but I don’t see that happening. I wish I could get over her. :-< [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”1803″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
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Still stressed

My financial situation has gotten dire so I’ve been too stressed out to blog, but I figured I’d write something. My 4th of July was pretty decent, got to see some awesome fireworks. Too bad I didn’t think to bring my phone to take pictures/video. I also got a Diamond Candle (before my financial situation took a dive). I got this one:

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It’s Vanilla Cream.

Here’s the ring I found in it:
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It’s a yellowish orange color that I’m not crazy about, but at least this one fits!

I like Diamond Candles better than Prize candle because the candles are larger, but I liked the appraisal feature of Prize Candle. I can’t find out how much my ring is worth (probably not much).

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New medication

My doctor finally got my insurance to approve my Pristiq. Hoping I get some positive results from it, I start it tomorrow. The Chantix isn’t working out so well, I’m still smoking. I don’t think the dose is high enough, but I am noticing some nausea when smoking.

I’m still trying to handle this breakup the best I can, but I’ve been depressed and haven’t felt like doing anything. This kind of thing is always hard on me. I know I can get through it, I just need time.

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Selling my iPhone

I’m selling my pink iPhone 5c 16gb for Verizon for $300 with free shipping. I’ll only accept PayPal and ship within the United States.

$_57

It is like new with no scratches and works perfectly. E-mail me if interested.

Getting a new phone

I currently have the iPhone 5c and this was my first iPhone. I had always liked Android but I wanted to try something new. The iPhone is just not for me.

galaxy-s5-launch-hero_0

This will be my new phone, the Samsung Galaxy S5. I can’t wait until it’s delivered.

What a relief

I had been going through a really extensive disability review, they sent me a bunch of forms as well as my mom. They kept calling too. They were having a problem getting my medical records and I was really worried, but they finally said they got my records and that there’s plenty of evidence that I’m still disabled. So I’m really happy about that (not happy about being disabled, but you know what I mean). I was so scared there for awhile. Now I can rest easy knowing I have little to stress about (except my upcoming dental appointment, who knows how much that will cost).

I also went to see War of Ages (band from my hometown) and they recognized me and hugged me, I thought that was so awesome! Love those guys.

Things are going well with the girlfriend and I feel happier than I have in a long time.

Very True

I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person – Olivia Wilde

2013 Recap

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
Nothing, really.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never keep my resolutions, lol. I’m not big on resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not anyone close to me, no.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God.

5. Did you visit anywhere exciting?
Nope.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
A relationship.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My first car accident, it freaked me out.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I graduated from college.

9. What was your biggest mistake?
Getting in that accident and getting back together with my ex.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes, I had the flu.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The new iPhone.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mom, she’s always there for me when I need her.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My ex boyfriend and an ex friend.

14. Where did most of your money go in 2013?
Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing The Devil Wears Prada for the 7th time.

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
None come to mind.

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:
Sicker, mentally and physically.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Going out.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Alone at home.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Not really.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Vampire Diaries

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not really hate, just strongly dislike.

24. What was the best book you read?
I haven’t been reading lately, my ADD prevents me from concentrating on books.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
None that I can think of.

26. What did you want and get?
Money.

27. What did you want and not get?
Christmas presents.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Went out to dinner and I turned 30.

29. What’s one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money to pay the bills, more time seeing my mom.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Casual as always.

31. What kept you sane?
Working on my website, watching stuff on Netflix.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ian Somerhalder.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
I don’t really get into politics.

34. Who do you miss the most?
My mom.

35. Who was the best new person you met?
Teresa.

37. What are your new years resolutions for 2014?
To worry less and lose weight, not sure those are going to happen though.

I got this quiz from OkDani.com

The reason I haven’t been writing

My depression unfortunately has gotten worse. I’ve always struggled with depression, but it seems after the accident I got into (don’t want to get into too many details, I bumped into someone on a scooter because I didn’t see him). I’ve never been in an accident before and I guess the whole thing shook me up even though it wasn’t a bad accident. I have a new doctor now, and he switched my medication in hopes that it will make me feel better. That stuff takes awhile to get into my system and start working, so we’ll see.

I think part of it also has to do with being so far away from my family, I really miss them. I don’t know, maybe at some point I’ll have to move back to Pennsylvania even though I hated it there. I hope it doesn’t come to that. It’s hard to care about things (like this site) because of how lousy I’ve been feeling. Depression is just a rough thing to go through especially if it’s severe. All the weight I’ve gained hasn’t helped either, I just hope I start feeling better at some point.

Getting better

For the past several weeks, I’ve felt like absolute crap, but I’ve mostly accepted the breakup (this will be the last post about it, I swear :)) ) I realized there was more bad than good and it’s time to move on finally. The fact that my doctor switched/increased some of my medications have helped also.

I’m also looking forward to being closer to finishing my JavaScript class, one week left. Hopefully I can pull through and move on my last class. If everything goes well, I should graduate in April. It’s been a long hard road but I think I can do it.

New phone and Windows 8

I had an all touch screen phone for almost two years now, and it was becoming unresponsive and I even had trouble making calls. I figured it was time for an upgrade, so I got the Droid 4. I really like having a keyboard phone again, I’ve always struggled to type on touch screens for some reason. I have a feeling keyboard phones are going to be non-existent soon, so that’s why I wanted to get one while I can. I understand the all touch screen thing is most popular, but some people have trouble with them like me. I’m really liking my new phone and texting is no longer a headache.

I also upgraded to Windows 8, I got a really great deal from my student store, I only had to pay $25 for it. I don’t think it’s anything spectacular, and find it more difficult to access my stuff, but I’ll get used to it. I’m glad I didn’t spend much because honestly I was expecting more. If you’re thinking of upgrading, I’d recommend that you don’t unless you get it really cheap, but that’s just me.

Maybe there’s some hope after all

The assignment in my JavaScript class I was stressing about I ended up getting an A on. I’m not sure I pulled that one off, but maybe I’m getting the hang of this JavaScript stuff. My grade went from a C to a B-. I’m really trying, and am hoping I can keep my grade up so I can pass this class because I’m close to graduating. I’m enjoying my holiday break, I don’t have to go back to school until the 6th, but a part of me kind of misses it. The break was really needed though because I was so stressed.

My last class I chose will be another psychology class. I took one in my first year and got an A, so I figured it would be a good choice. I can’t wait to be done with IT classes. I didn’t know this web design degree was so focused on coding, I wish I would have taken graphic design instead because I find that more enjoyable.

I’m also looking forward to the new year, 2012 has not been good to me (dropped/failed classes, financial troubles, mental health issues) and am hoping better things are to come. My New Year’s resolution is to quit smoking, I really need to for my health and financial situation. I know I can do it, it’s just going to be hard.

Side note: Check out my site’s Facebook page if you haven’t already. ;;)

Oops

I had a large reseller I wasn’t using anymore since I’m not as big on blogging as I used to be, so I moved to a smaller host. I did a backup, but I guess something went wrong because I lost my new theme as well as posts. Once I’m done with school (one class almost done, two more to go!) I’ll be in the mood to work on this site more. With homework and other stuff I haven’t felt like it.

Anyway, this Thanksgiving I don’t plan on doing much except cook dinner for myself. My parents have moved back to Pennsylvania so we won’t be spending holidays together. It sucks, but I think staying in Arizona is best for me. I just can’t take cold weather anymore. Speaking of cold, I wish my landlord would turn the heat on, it’s been getting so chilly at night. I live in a converted resort complex with all utilities included, so the landlord controls the air conditioning and heat. I think their reason for not turning the heat on yet is a bit stupid (they want our apartments to be comfortable for Thanksgiving cooking) and not a valid reason for freezing every night. Oh well, I got myself an electric blanket and that’s all I can do for now. Happy Thanksgiving in advance.

Blah

I have been feeling blah lately, I think it’s because of a new medication the doctor gave me. I’ve been on it for only a week so I want to give it more of a chance. If I’m still feeling blah next week, I’m calling the doctor. I’m also worried about losing some of my medical coverage because I’m a student. They requested that I send in what I get for financial aid and cost of tuition. I’m waiting to hear back from them. I’ll be upset if I lose some medical coverage because I get grants to help pay for school (that are all used for classes and books). If I do lose it, I still have a backup but I will have to find new doctors and the costs will go up a lot.

The other night I went to see Impending Doom because I won’t be going to the Metal Alliance Tour or Warped Tour. It was fun and not very crowded which was good. I saw the lineup for the Mayhem Festival, it has a few of my favorite bands but I can’t go. Outdoor festivals in 115 degree heat are just not for me. I will wait for smaller tours at indoor venues. I remember in 2010 I went to Warped Tour, I basically spent $35 to hang out in the bathroom to get out of the sun and splash cold water on my face. I had to leave after 2 hours because I got sick from the heat. It’s just not worth it. Summers here are absolutely brutal. #:-S