Under the weather

I have been feeling lousy the past week so I made a doctor appointment (it was today). It turns out both of my ears are infected and full of fluid. This is nothing new for me, I’ve been having ear problems since I was a child. I have to take antibiotics for the infections as well as Flonase and allergy medication to get the fluid to drain. I went to the dentist last Monday for pain and my bite was off and that was fixed. I’m still having pain but it’s most likely my ears.

My depression also started getting worse. I don’t know if it’s because of this other stuff going on or medication changes. I’m also having insomnia still so that doesn’t help. Maybe because I’m just so tired all the time it’s making me more depressed. I’m on medications for that but sometimes it doesn’t work. It’s usually my brain not wanting to shut off at night. I’m in therapy trying to get my anxiety under control. I hope I start feeling better soon.

Update on my mental health

Things seem to be going better than usual, I think the increase in anti-depressant is helping, as well as the increase in anti-psychotic. I did have an episode of paranoia and scared feelings the other night, but all seems ok now. Unfortunately, my financial situation has taken a turn for the worse, but that’s for another private entry.

I did update my other blogs finally. Sometimes they’re hard to keep up with. I’m just taking one day at a time.

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Nothing is going right

Where to start…well, I’m in love with someone I can’t have, my mental illnesses are acting up, still having financial difficulties, and just feel overall pretty terrible. It’s hard to handle all this stuff, it really wears me down.

I’ve been struggling with things since childhood and now in adulthood it’s gotten worse. Since it’s gone on this long, will things ever get better? I often ask myself this. If you’re the praying type, please pray for me or keep me in your thoughts, I’d really appreciate it.

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Went to the doctor on Thursday, he increased meds

I was supposed to go on Monday, but my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t go, so I went on Thursday. My anxiety was so bad up until my appointment but I made it through it. I prefer morning appointments but they can’t seem to get me in in the mornings. I told my doctor about my problems with depression and hallucinations. He increased my anti-depressant and anti-psychotic to the highest possible doses. Hopefully I start feeling better.

Mental illnesses are so tough to deal with, and some people just don’t understand what I go through each day. I’ve been struggling since I was a child with this stuff and it just gets really tiring. :tired:

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I haven’t been on the computer or blogged for quite awhile, sorry about that. I haven’t been doing too well (mentally). I saw my doctor last week, and he wasn’t much help, but he did increase one of my medications. Lately I feel like I just don’t care about anything and just want to stay in bed. January was a really bad month for me, I’m glad it’s gone. I get to pick up my anxiety medication tomorrow so hopefully that will make me feel a little better because I feel jittery and not like myself.

One good thing is that I’ve been socializing a bit more and my doctor was happy to hear that. I’m making some progress, but I’m doing it slowly. A lot of the time I don’t feel like being around people so this is a huge step. There was a party last week I went to that I couldn’t mentally handle and left. Sometimes too many people make me too anxious and I start to get sick. I figured it would be good for me to go, but it didn’t work out. I felt bad for leaving, but I had to. I’m trying and that’s what counts, right?

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I made a HUGE mistake

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Saw my doctor today

As I’ve mentioned before, I struggle with a variety of mental health problems. I’ve really gotten bad lately so I had to make an appointment to go in. He ended up switching my anti-depressant from Remeron (that stuff made me feel so much worse) to Celexa. I’ve been on it before, but he said I’ve been on everything else. I’ll try it again and see what happens.

I was supposed to go see War of Ages tonight, but after having so much anxiety all day over the doctor appointment, I’m drained. Plus I’m having some car trouble. I don’t feel safe driving that far until I get it checked out. I just want to relax tonight, I have stuff I have to do tomorrow (laundry, grocery shopping). It’s been really hard doing things since I was on that Remeron, it made me just want to not leave the apartment. I hope I start feeling better but it can take a month for the medication to fully get into my system. Here’s hoping. [-O< [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2166″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
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I need to vent

I use this blog sometimes as kind of therapy because it helps me to write things down that are bothering me. First of all, I’m worried about the rent increase because I don’t want to move and can’t find anything cheaper with square footage being similar to this place. Very few have all utilities included like this place. Second, my mental and physical health has been poor, the doctor keeps saying “we’ll get you feeling better soon” every time he sees me. I’ve been having problems since I was 3 so it’s unlikely my mental health will improve. Then there are bills I can’t pay and I have to worry about collection agencies and potential lawsuits. I’m also still in love with my ex which is really hard. This has not been a good year for me, it seems everything is going downhill and getting worse. I’ve just been trying to take it day by day, but my OCD thinking gets the best of me.

I’m going to keep praying that things will get better. [-O< [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2003″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
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I talked to my friend (briefly)

I want to expand a little bit on this post. I talked to my friend a little bit and she said our friendship has indeed changed. She claims that I always don’t feel well or am having trouble with my mental illnesses (which is true, I guess). It almost feels like she doesn’t want to be around me because I’m mentally ill. Sorry, I’ve been that way since I was a kid, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m in treatment, I’m doing the best I can. Seems like people are more understanding of a physical disability rather than a mental one. :-< One good thing is I got out of jury duty because of my illnesses with a doctor's note. This is the second time I've been summoned. I'm going to be going through a legal battle (that's all I will disclose here) and the stress of that has not made things any easier on me. I have asked her to watch a movie but she's always busy with her boyfriend so it never seems to be a good time. I don't know, I wish she was a bit more understanding and less into her new friend. I'm always feeling left out when I sit outside with them and it's not a good feeling. I wish that other lady would just (excuse my language) fuck off so things could go back to the way they were, but that's not going to happen. Her and her boyfriend have been going back and forth talking about moving, a part of me wishes they would. [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”1921″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
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My doctor asked me to do this

I’m supposed to be listing 5 things daily that I’m grateful for, for my doctor. These are the ones I’ve come up with:

1. My parents
2. A roof over my head
3. Food
4. Being alive
5. Having a car to get around

The doctor says it will help my depression, but it hasn’t. I’ve had major depressive disorder for a long time. It’s hard to treat. Most days are just really hard on me. I do have an ok day once in awhile though. It’s hard for people to understand this type of depression without actually living with it. I just try to take it day by day.

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Feeling a little better

I’m feeling a little better physically, but am not 100% yet. I went to my psychiatrist yesterday morning and was prescribed a new anti-depressant that also helps insomnia. So far it’s been making me really tired. I’m hoping it’ll make me feel better mood-wise because I’ve been feeling really low. I’m seeing Porter Robinson on the 10th so that will cheer me up. For those who don’t know who he is, he’s an electronic music producer.

I wish I knew what to do about the awful noise from my upstairs neighbors. They make very loud banging noises throughout the night and keep me awake. I’ve complained before and they’re still being noisy. It literally sounds like they’re going to come through my ceiling. They do seem mostly quiet tonight so far, maybe because yesterday was a holiday they were noisy because of that. I don’t know, it seems this place has really gotten noisy the past year. I do wish I asked for an upstairs apartment before I moved in here. I guess that’s just apartment living and I have to live with it. It’s strange though, other apartments I lived in there was no noise above me, I couldn’t hear anyone else. I’ve thought about moving, but there’s nothing as affordable as it is here. I don’t have to pay utilities.

My friends and I are also having problems with a neighbor, she’s being (for lack of a better word), a bitch. She complains about us sitting outside smoking and has reported us to the office. The office says we are allowed to sit out there as long as we aren’t being too noisy. It’s like she’s been finding any little thing to complain about to try to get us into trouble. We never say anything when she lets her kids run around here screaming their heads off. It’s not the smoking she’s complaining about (she smokes herself), it’s the YouTube videos we watch, they’re apparently “too loud”. In all honesty they aren’t, and it’s not like we are out there late at night, this is during the day or early evening. I don’t know what her problem is, but this is just a recent thing she’s been doing. She needs to mind her own business.

Well, that’s it for now, I’m going back to sleep. :-h

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Had a bad day

I don’t know if it’s because it’s that time of the month (sorry, TMI, but relevant), but my OCD was horrible today. I was completely obsessed with all the bills I had to pay, mental health issues, family stuff, friend stuff. I think I drove my friends and my mom crazy too because I couldn’t stop going on and on about the same things. I can’t seem to focus on anything else either. I’m worn out from all of it. Talking to my mom helped a bit, but I can’t seem to talk much to my friends because they have their own issues and probably are tired of hearing about mine. I wish I had more caring and understanding friends.

I wish I could find a way to let this OCD stop controlling my life, but so far doctors haven’t been able to help me. If I could just focus on other things that would be great, but that could be me ADD (which my doctor doesn’t want to treat for some reason).

Just needed to vent.

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We made up

I worked things out with my friend, she apologized to me for her behavior which I wasn’t expecting. Things seem to be ok now.

I haven’t been doing too well, I’ve been under so much stress because the bills keep piling up and I barely have enough to pay them all. I’m doing the best I can though. It is taking it’s toll on me mentally and physically. I hate bills!

I’m also really upset about my doctor’s office new policy. Now they only allow you to come in to see the doctor when you run out of medication. Lately he has just been refilling the medication without having me come in. This isn’t good because I have mental health issues and need to be seeing a doctor. I called them a few days ago because I’m having problems with my anti-depressant (lots of bad side effects). He said to go off the medication. I said I needed a different medication then because it’s not good for me to be off of anti-depressants. I was told to call back on the 18th (why the 18th?) to schedule an appointment. Not liking this at all.

I wish things would improve, but it doesn’t seem to be going that way. Bad luck I guess.

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Back on an anti-depressant

Since my insurance won’t cover what the doctor prescribed me, I’m back on Prozac. This whole mess with my ex has made me really depressed. I decided I can’t be friends with her even though I tried. My mental health is more important and she’s going to have to understand that. I need to move on with my life, how am I going to do that with her around me all the time? I know I keep going on and on about this but it’s really messing me up.

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Saw the doctor yesterday

I explained everything that has been going on, and he prescribed me Prisiq (which my insurance won’t cover, grr) and Chantix. I’m glad the Chantix was covered because I really need to quit smoking. So I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about the Pristiq, the pharmacy told me about it needing a prior authorization, but my insurance always deny those. My doctor will have to fill out paperwork to get it covered, and I’m not sure if he’s going to do that or not. Here’s hoping.

No depression after going off anti-depressants

I’ve been taking anti-depressants since high school for severe depression, doctors have tried almost all of them on me and none of them really worked. Recently, I found out I was out of refills and kept trying to get the doctor to refill them, but for some reason he isn’t. So, I’ve gone completely off of them and I’m no longer feeling depressed. Sounds pretty strange, I wonder if this is just temporary or if the medication was actually making me worse. I see my doctor on Friday so I’m going to discuss this with him, even though he’ll probably think I’m full of it. If these medications really were making me worse, I’m not going to be too happy about it. We’ll see what happens after I talk to him I guess.

Couldn’t go to the show tonight

I was supposed to see Whitechapel tonight, but I couldn’t go. I was having panic attacks and felt sick. Devil Driver was headlining (don’t know anything about them, but they must be big to have the radio station there). I’m just not in a good enough place mentally to handle being around that many people. Ever since my doctor put me on Luvox I’ve been doing really bad. I see him again on the 29th so I’m hoping he’ll actually listen to me and put me back on what I was on before. It seems he just wants to talk at me instead of listening. I’ve already had doctors switched around and I’m getting tired of it. I’m doing terrible so he needs to do something about it. I’m already bummed enough for missing one of my favorite bands that I paid to see (that’s about a $25 loss). If I can’t do the things I enjoy or barely leave the house, something needs to be done. I just hate feeling like this.

Downward spiral

I’m having a rough night, mentally. I feel like I’m about to break down. I wish my doctor could figure out what is wrong with me. Maybe I’m on the wrong medications or the wrong doses. I also have a strong suspicion that I may be bipolar, I told the doctor my family history of it and he seemed to brush it off. Some days I’m ok and some days (or nights) I’m not. I’m now regretting canceling my therapy appointment, it might have helped to talk about it. My mom seems to think I’m getting worse and I’d have to agree. I really hope it doesn’t get to the point where I’d have to be hospitalized. I absolutely hate hospitals. I have been hospitalized in the past for mental issues and it was no help. I felt like a prisoner surrounded by really crazy people.

On a positive note, I finally made it to the grocery store without too much anxiety or stress. I only picked up a few things until I get paid.

Possible Agoraphobia?

Lately I have not been able to leave my apartment (except to smoke, since smoking is not allowed in the apartments here). I have been canceling doctor’s appointments because of anxiety and fear, and I’m worried I will no longer be able to see my psychologist because the doctor’s office has rules about missed appointments. I get so anxious that I become physically ill. I feel like there is some sort of force that is holding me back, not letting me do basic things like go to appointments and go grocery shopping.

I just feel like nothing matters anymore and why do I bother with anything. I wish I could have my therapy session over the phone so I can explain myself as to why I haven’t been showing up. I know I need to go, but I just can’t. I feel trapped in this bubble I can’t escape from.