Things are starting to look up

Today I met with a lady from mental health services and she is going to help me find another apartment. She already had a place in mind but didn’t remember the name of it. I told her everything that has been going on during the past 5 years I’ve lived here. I also told her that all the problems (mainly with the pests) have made my depression a lot worse and that I need to move for my own well-being. I moved to a different unit last year in this complex because the pest problems were bad in the original unit I lived in. I thought things would be better in the new unit, but they aren’t. Obviously, most of this place is infested. :(

I meet with her again next Friday and she said she’ll have a list of places and we can go look at them. My lease isn’t up until the end of January, I’ll see if I can get out of it early but I might not be able to. If worst comes to worst I’ll have to stay until then. I renewed for a 6 month lease in August, not knowing the pest problem would get even worse. People around here don’t treat me very well either. I’m glad I didn’t sign a year lease. I’m also going to do in-home counseling. Now that I’ve gotten some help, I feel a bit more hopeful that I can get out of here and start feeling better. I won’t if I continue to stay. It’s time to move on to better things. :D

It’s been a year

I know I just blogged, but I thought this was an important thing to write about (for me). It’s officially been a year since my arrest. It happened one year ago today. For the backstory on everything that happened, go here.

I was discussing this with my therapist yesterday, and I told her that the whole ordeal haunts me to this day. She told me I can’t keep focusing on the past and there’s nothing I can do to change it. Yes, that’s true, but that had to be one of the absolute worst days of my life. It’s hard not to think about it. My mom told me I shouldn’t even be worried about it. My issue with it is the fact that it will show up when someone does a background check. This could make certain things difficult, like getting another apartment. A landlord might see the charge and not allow me to move there. It won’t affect me moving to the new apartment here, but I don’t plan on staying in this particular complex longer than a year.

Anyway, I at least learned my lesson and haven’t gotten in trouble again so that’s a positive side to it.

This is getting out of hand

Here’s yet another story about a teen committing suicide because of bullying. This makes me sad and angry at the same time. From grades 5-12, I was bullied daily. I just didn’t fit in and people thought I was “weird”. I even ended up in the hospital for wanting to commit suicide. I also got bullied because my parents couldn’t afford designer clothes and shoes. Some may not agree, but I think all schools should have uniforms to prevent that from happening. What’s worse, is that bullying is so bad it’s making teens take their own lives, and schools won’t do a thing about it. When I reported the bullying to school officials, it made them bully me even more for “tattling”.

A few years after I graduated high school, the school decided to offer classes online. I really wish they had that option while I was there, that would have been a much better option for me. I would also miss a lot of school because of my anxiety (the school was so huge it had two separate buildings) and fear of how I would be treated. I was lucky I was able to graduate with as much school as I missed.

Luckily none of the bullying was physical, but the verbal abuse hurt just as much.

2015 has been a bad year

Since the beginning of the year I’ve struggled with finances, struggled with my illnesses, and have had problems with my apartment. It seems everything is going wrong and I don’t know what to do. It’s just taking it’s toll on me emotionally and physically. I really hope things start to get better. :tired:

Anyway, I hope everyone had a great 4th of July (Americans). Here are some fireworks I saw on Saturday:

4th of July #suicidegirls

A video posted by Erin Loper (@erinthehellokittygirl) on

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2520″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2520″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

I feel like I shouldn’t have to hide this

This is hard for me to talk about, mainly because people can be so judgmental. I came out as bisexual not too long ago. I told my mom and she didn’t seem to bothered by it, but my dad doesn’t know. My mom said it’s probably best not to tell him. I can’t help who I’m attracted to. I believe love is love and people should be more accepting. I don’t feel I should have to hide, but I’m afraid if people find out they won’t want to talk to me anymore. I’m a nice person no matter what my sexuality is.

lgbtq-flag

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2373″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2373″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

I need to vent

I use this blog sometimes as kind of therapy because it helps me to write things down that are bothering me. First of all, I’m worried about the rent increase because I don’t want to move and can’t find anything cheaper with square footage being similar to this place. Very few have all utilities included like this place. Second, my mental and physical health has been poor, the doctor keeps saying “we’ll get you feeling better soon” every time he sees me. I’ve been having problems since I was 3 so it’s unlikely my mental health will improve. Then there are bills I can’t pay and I have to worry about collection agencies and potential lawsuits. I’m also still in love with my ex which is really hard. This has not been a good year for me, it seems everything is going downhill and getting worse. I’ve just been trying to take it day by day, but my OCD thinking gets the best of me.

I’m going to keep praying that things will get better. [-O< [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2003″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2003″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

I still can’t get over her

Even though my ex-girlfriend (I’m bi) and I broke up months ago, I still can’t get over her. It sucks having to see her whenever I want to go outside to smoke (we’re not allowed to smoke in our apartments here). It’s like the breakup didn’t phase her at all, she dumped me and broke my heart. My heart is still broken and I don’t know what to do to get over it. Her being with someone else makes me feel jealous and more hurt. She was seeing a guy too while we were dating, but for some reason it bothers me that she may find another woman. What has worked for me in the past after a breakup is cutting off all contact, but she’s always around so that’s hard to do. Maybe I’m having these feelings because I’m depressed and lonely, or it could be because it’s that time of the month. Someday I hope to find someone who won’t break my heart.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”1957″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”1957″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

I guess this is it

It seems my ex-girlfriend and I’s friendship is over. She’s been ignoring me and deleted me from Facebook. I blocked her number too. Being friends with an ex has never worked for me and this isn’t working. I know she has a lot she’s dealing with right now, but I just can’t be friends with her. This is hard to do because she lives by me. I’m going to try to avoid her as much as possible. She’s causing unnecessary stress in my life and it has to stop. She’s also not very understanding of me and my illnesses and I don’t need a friend like that.

I just want to move on with my life.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”1815″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”1815″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

This is so hard

I’m still completely in love with my ex-girlfriend, we’re just friends now but it’s really hard. I want to be with her so badly but she loves her boyfriend and won’t leave him. She says she loves me back but doesn’t want to get back with me. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with someone this much before, it hurts. I ended up kissing her yesterday and I shouldn’t have, but she kissed me back. I wish she’d leave that guy who treats her like crap and be with me instead, but I don’t see that happening. I wish I could get over her. :-< [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”1803″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”1803″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

New medication

My doctor finally got my insurance to approve my Pristiq. Hoping I get some positive results from it, I start it tomorrow. The Chantix isn’t working out so well, I’m still smoking. I don’t think the dose is high enough, but I am noticing some nausea when smoking.

I’m still trying to handle this breakup the best I can, but I’ve been depressed and haven’t felt like doing anything. This kind of thing is always hard on me. I know I can get through it, I just need time.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”1779″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”1779″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

Talked to my ex-girlfriend

Edit: I’ve done some thinking and told her we can’t be friends and I don’t want her in my life anymore. I have to think of myself and my mental health. Seeing her and being around her will not help me move on. She’s probably angry at me, but I have to do what I have to do.

The talk didn’t go so well, things got heated and I burst into tears. I’m feeling really hurt but we’re going to try to be friends. I still don’t like the situation but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m a very emotional person and it’s hard for me to get over things. Hell, I still think about my ex-boyfriend a year ago and get sad sometimes. Breakups are not good for me mentally so I think I should stay single, because every relationship I’ve been in hasn’t worked out. I’ve never been good with people because of my Asperger’s so I tend to upset people a lot because I say exactly what I’m thinking. The fact that I have no anti-depressant doesn’t help either, stupid insurance company won’t cover it. I’m trying to deal with the whole situation the best I can, but sometimes I get mental breakdowns. I need to try to focus on other things to keep my mind off of it.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”1752″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”1752″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

Possible Agoraphobia?

Lately I have not been able to leave my apartment (except to smoke, since smoking is not allowed in the apartments here). I have been canceling doctor’s appointments because of anxiety and fear, and I’m worried I will no longer be able to see my psychologist because the doctor’s office has rules about missed appointments. I get so anxious that I become physically ill. I feel like there is some sort of force that is holding me back, not letting me do basic things like go to appointments and go grocery shopping.

I just feel like nothing matters anymore and why do I bother with anything. I wish I could have my therapy session over the phone so I can explain myself as to why I haven’t been showing up. I know I need to go, but I just can’t. I feel trapped in this bubble I can’t escape from.

agoraphobia