The reason I haven’t been writing

My depression unfortunately has gotten worse. I’ve always struggled with depression, but it seems after the accident I got into (don’t want to get into too many details, I bumped into someone on a scooter because I didn’t see him). I’ve never been in an accident before and I guess the whole thing shook me up even though it wasn’t a bad accident. I have a new doctor now, and he switched my medication in hopes that it will make me feel better. That stuff takes awhile to get into my system and start working, so we’ll see.

I think part of it also has to do with being so far away from my family, I really miss them. I don’t know, maybe at some point I’ll have to move back to Pennsylvania even though I hated it there. I hope it doesn’t come to that. It’s hard to care about things (like this site) because of how lousy I’ve been feeling. Depression is just a rough thing to go through especially if it’s severe. All the weight I’ve gained hasn’t helped either, I just hope I start feeling better at some point.

Living with Schizophrenia

So about a few months ago, my doctor diagnosed me with Paranoid Schizophrenia. He’s tried me on various anti-psychotics, none of which have done anything but give me nasty side effects. Most of them made me shake and feel like I was crawling out of my skin (that’s how my doctor put it). One was so bad I couldn’t control my jaw. The one I’m on now was working fine until the dose was increased, now I’m getting that shaky feeling again. I wish my body would accept treatment, because hearing voices and being paranoid really sucks. It’s also been making me more depressed which doesn’t help. A few days ago, the neighbor stopped by and banged really hard on my security door, scaring the crap out of me (I don’t know why people don’t use the doorbell). I hate living in fear like that.

It’s just really starting to sink in, this new diagnosis. I don’t like it one bit. I feel like a complete outsider and nobody seems to understand. I also didn’t need this with all the other crappy things I’m diagnosed with (Asperger’s, depression, severe anxiety/panic disorder, OCD, ADHD). I’m seeing a therapist regularly, but that doesn’t really seem to be helping. I’ve been on medications and have seen doctors since I was 3 years old, I think my body is just rejecting medications at this point. I’m also so tired of it all and just want to give up, but I try to keep going day by day.