I haven’t blogged in awhile because of everything that has been going on. I’ve been making preparations to move, I have to be out of this apartment by February 1st. I also got really sick with a stomach virus and was stuck in bed for a few days. Then I found out at the dentist that I need a crown. I’ve had a toothache for awhile and should have gone in sooner but I’ve been busy with other things. It turns out that a filling in my molar cracked and there’s a big cavity. If I don’t get this taken care of I’ll need a root canal so I go in on the 2nd so they can start working on that.
My dad hasn’t been doing well and has been acting really strange so my mom took him to the doctor and they did bloodwork. They said he was dehydrated and had to go to the emergency room. Based on how he has been acting they did a chest and brain scan. Today I found out he has fluid in his brain and has to go to the Pittsburgh hospital. I hope everything will be ok.
I haven’t really been thinking/worrying about the holidays because I’m so overwhelmed with what’s going on and holidays are pretty much like any other day to me. The main focus right now is packing to move in time.
Yesterday I saw the GI doctor and he wanted me to have a colonoscopy done. He asked if I had anyone who could be with me and go home with me because they would have to put me to sleep. I don’t have anyone, so he didn’t schedule the procedure because he said it would be a liability issue if I went home alone. I also can’t do it because I can’t have any food for a day, only liquids. I have low blood sugar and have to eat several times a day. Liquids are not going to keep my blood sugar up and I will get sick. I also can’t take any of my medications which are also a huge problem. My mental health has been bad, and I really don’t think this is something I can do. I also have past trauma of being put to sleep. When I had my tonsils removed as a kid, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital afterward for a month. The doctor said that they would also want to put me to sleep to stick a scope down my throat and into my stomach. My case manager even said if I am not mentally stable enough for something like this, then don’t do it. The doctor also mentioned ultrasounds and bloodwork. Those might be my only other options. I feel like the doctor doesn’t understand that this is not good for my mental health. I’ll just have to tell them that I can’t do this because of my mental health.
I went back to my PCP last week still about the allergic reaction/itching and stomach problems. She had me do bloodwork there to check for Celiac Disease. That came back negative, so she referred me to a dermatologist and a GI doctor. I see the dermatologist on the 27th but the GI doctor said they couldn’t get me in until October. I spoke with the referral department about how long it will take to see the GI doctor, and they gave me a number to a different one. They were closed when I called so I’ll try again on Monday. My stomach is bothering me on a daily basis and it can’t wait until October. I hope the other one can get me in sooner. I wouldn’t be surprised if my anxiety has caused an ulcer or something.
I also saw my psychiatrist last week, he increased one medication and prescribed a new one. I wasn’t able to get the new one because insurance wouldn’t cover it. I left them several messages about that, and the pharmacy sent over several faxes. The doctor hasn’t responded to the pharmacy and I haven’t been able to get anyone to call me back. It’s a brand name drug that doesn’t have a generic, so that’s why it’s not covered. To get it covered, the psychiatrist would have to do paperwork and send it to the insurance company, which I’m sure he doesn’t have time to do. I suggested in the message to prescribe an alternative that has a generic. I’m really frustrated that this still hasn’t been resolved. The medication was for insomnia which I’m still having really bad. The pharmacy said they need to hear from the doctor about this. I understand he’s busy, but it shouldn’t be taking this long to resolve. I shouldn’t have to keep calling them, it’s such a pain. Sometimes I really have to be persistent with things like this.
Today my apartment complex held a pool party with a DJ, food, drinks, and raffles for $100 gift cards. I wish I could have gone, but there were several reasons why I couldn’t. The reasons were this itchy skin condition, the heat, and feeling wiped out because my back flared up this morning. I always miss out on fun stuff. I used to be able to go to a lot of different things (I had a car then and don’t now, so that also makes it hard) when I was in my 20’s, but once I hit my 30’s, my physical and mental health have deteriorated. I miss being able to do a lot of things, it sucks getting older. Whenever I do miss something I wanted to go to, I feel pretty crappy about it for a day or two especially when other people tell me how much fun it was. At the end of the day, I just have to be okay with my decision not to go to some things if it would negatively affect my health.
This allergic reaction is still going on, despite stopping a certain medication that may have been the cause. It may take awhile for it to leave my system. The doctor prescribed another round of steroids. She keeps saying it’s something I’m eating or using. I’ve only ever had allergic reactions to medications, nothing else. I know exactly what I’m eating and using and was eating and using these things with no problems a month ago but she won’t listen to me. She’s going to have to refer me to someone who can help me with finding the cause if it isn’t that medication. I need to allow some more time to see if it clears up and stay off that medication permanently. It’s just really frustrating because being red and itchy is not fun.
As far as therapy goes, I’ve decided not to do it at this time. I was really put off by the last therapist’s behavior, and I can’t seem to find another one I connect with. Honestly, I’ve only had 2 good therapists. The only reason why I’m not seeing them anymore is because they left to take a job elsewhere. I also want to cut back on appointments since the transportation services are a nightmare half the time. Last week I had a doctor appointment and was left stuck outside after they closed waiting for someone to show up for an hour and a half. When I complain, all I get is a half-assed apology. If only I had the money to reinstate my license and get a car.
On Tuesday I went to get the ultrasounds to check out the breast lumps, they turned out to be nothing. That was a huge relief. The follow-up appointment with my doctor is on Thursday. There are still several concerns that need to be brought up. I wish they had the time to get through it all so I don’t have to keep going back there multiple times. My back pain and stomach problems haven’t been addressed yet. I guess I’ll have to just keep going in until everything has been dealt with. I was seeing a crappy doctor before who wasn’t doing anything about the problems and they just got worse. They also did bloodwork, and only had the results for one thing which was my blood sugar. They said it was a little high but I’m not considered diabetic. I’m just tired of running to all these appointments but things need to be checked out. I’ve been really worn out because of my insomnia and not getting much sleep.
It’s Easter and I don’t have any plans as usual since the family is in Pennsylvania. I just want to relax honestly.
This blog is about female related issues, so I’m putting it behind a cut.
I was going to put a new theme up, but I caught this horrible cold/flu virus thing that has been going around. Last Monday it started with a bad cough and got worse from there. I could hardly eat anything for several days and back pain was severe. It was hard to rest because of my insomnia. I’m finally feeling better and am trying to get caught up on things. I’m not sure when I’ll get to the theme.
Last Tuesday I saw a new doctor. She, unfortunately, didn’t have time to go over all the health problems I’ve been having. I did have an infection she prescribed me antibiotics for. I was supposed to go in today for bloodwork and to get urine test results, but the transportation service showed up an hour and 20 minutes late so I wasn’t able to make it. I had a similar problem with my last appointment. The cab called me, hung up on me, and drove off. I had to wait for another one to come and get me which took awhile and made me late. I had to reschedule today’s appointment for this Friday and chose a different company for transportation. I hope this one shows up on time. Unfortunately all the trouble I got into in 2015 with my arrest, I lost my license and vehicle so it’s been a huge pain to have to rely on these companies who can’t show up on time because it makes me look bad.
I have therapy on the 6th and I’m looking forward to that to talk about all my frustrations.
I’ve been looking for a new doctor. The main reasons for that are my current one doesn’t take my secondary insurance, and she didn’t listen to me during the last visit. I got a bill in the mail for what my primary insurance didn’t pay. It’s not much, but I’d like to find a doctor who will take both. I’m still having back pain, and I’ve been having some pain and numbness in my right leg. I also am having a lot of stomach problems, it seems to hurt really often and I’m always running to the bathroom. The doctor thought it was because of anxiety, but I don’t think that’s the only reason. I’m always tired and have no energy.
I need a doctor who will listen and send me somewhere to have these things checked out. I’ve also gained a lot of weight, that might be because of the amounts of medications I’m on and the high doses. My depression has been bad as well. I thought that maybe it was because of the holidays, but they are over so I guess it’s not that. I see my psych doctor on Tuesday. I’m going to tell him that maybe it’s time to change my antidepressant to something I’ve never been on. It sucks feeling so blah and having no energy to get anything done.
Side note: I’ve opened an Etsy Shop.
I had a horrible stomach virus at the beginning of November, now I’m having stomach issues again (but not nearly as bad as before) and either ear or tooth pain. I’m not even due to go to the dentist yet, I first want to see if it’s my ear because many times before when I had pain and went to the dentist, it wasn’t my teeth and ended up being an ear infection. I go to the doctor on Tuesday, I called this past Tuesday so that will be a week. It usually doesn’t take that long to get in, but a lot of people are sick right now because of the weather change.
I was feeling ok enough to go get a haircut today. I wasn’t at all happy with the salon I went to. Apparently, it was one of those quick salons but I didn’t know that. There is only one guy there and he was kind of rude. I was shaking with anxiety because he made me uncomfortable. I brought in a picture of how I wanted it cut and he didn’t take more than 10 minutes and said he was done. I just wanted to get out of there so I just said I liked it so I could pay and leave. I definitely won’t be going back there. If he wasn’t so intimidating I would have had him do more. I was the only person in there and their Facebook page didn’t have many likes, and then I knew why. I will have to go back to the salon I went to before even though it’s more expensive. I’m feeling like crap again now probably because of the anxiety attack I had earlier.
Feels like it’s been awhile since my last post. I was sick but now I’m not feeling well again. I have had a toothache and have an appointment with an endodontist to see if I need a root canal on my tooth. I also (sorry if this is too much info) found a breast lump and am really worried about that. I have an appointment scheduled to get that checked out, I was too scared to make an appointment but found the courage to make one today. I’m worried because my mom had breast cancer, but she also told me that my aunt has had cysts in her breasts that weren’t cancer and told me to stay positive. My periods are also only lasting for a day which is unusual. I will bring this up with the doctor to see what she thinks. I don’t have much else to say, just wanted to explain why I haven’t been blogging or anything lately.
I use this blog sometimes as kind of therapy because it helps me to write things down that are bothering me. First of all, I’m worried about the rent increase because I don’t want to move and can’t find anything cheaper with square footage being similar to this place. Very few have all utilities included like this place. Second, my mental and physical health has been poor, the doctor keeps saying “we’ll get you feeling better soon” every time he sees me. I’ve been having problems since I was 3 so it’s unlikely my mental health will improve. Then there are bills I can’t pay and I have to worry about collection agencies and potential lawsuits. I’m also still in love with my ex which is really hard. This has not been a good year for me, it seems everything is going downhill and getting worse. I’ve just been trying to take it day by day, but my OCD thinking gets the best of me.
I’m going to keep praying that things will get better. [-O<
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I’ve had problems with ear infections and fluid buildup since I was a kid. I went to the doctor Friday because my ear was bothering me. She said there’s no infection (thankfully) but fluid is built up inside a tube in my ear (no idea what it’s called). She told me to take Claritin and Flonase. So far no improvement. I’ve been feeling a bit dizzy and just blah overall. I wish this stuff would clear out so I feel better.
Hopefully by Thursday I’m doing better because I have other appointments I can’t miss.
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Wow, I had over 500 users who registered to go through and almost all of them were spam. If you got deleted and weren’t a spammer, re-register (I think that’s fixed now) and fill in some information on your profile so I know you aren’t a spammer.
Anyway, things haven’t been going very well for me lately. As I may have mentioned before, I suffer from major depressive disorder. My doctor prescribed me some Wellbutrin and that didn’t work out at all. It made me so sick. I haven’t been motivated to do anything with this site let alone blog. He’s switching me to a new medication called Luvox, but I don’t think I’ll be able to start it until Monday. I’m really hoping it will help because I hate feeling so lousy. I’m also hoping my insurance will cover it or I’ll need something else. I’m not a big fan of my doctor (they keep changing them around on me) he’s just really…out there. I think our personalities clash. I’m still going to therapy every two weeks and that helps a little bit, I get along with my therapist really well.
On Monday night I’m seeing Norma Jean, then the following week The Devil Wears Prada. In December I have Every Time I Die and Impending Doom. I really wish I went to see Nine Inch Nails last weekend but tickets were too expensive. The shows I go to cost around $20 for a ticket. I wouldn’t pay $100 for a ticket, that just seems like way too much to me. My doctor says he’s happy I’m going to these because it’s good I’m at least trying to get out of the house.
I also did something I thought I’d never do, get an iPhone. I had always had Android since it first came out, and to be honest, I miss it. The iPhone is okay just not as great as people make it out to be.
My depression unfortunately has gotten worse. I’ve always struggled with depression, but it seems after the accident I got into (don’t want to get into too many details, I bumped into someone on a scooter because I didn’t see him). I’ve never been in an accident before and I guess the whole thing shook me up even though it wasn’t a bad accident. I have a new doctor now, and he switched my medication in hopes that it will make me feel better. That stuff takes awhile to get into my system and start working, so we’ll see.
I think part of it also has to do with being so far away from my family, I really miss them. I don’t know, maybe at some point I’ll have to move back to Pennsylvania even though I hated it there. I hope it doesn’t come to that. It’s hard to care about things (like this site) because of how lousy I’ve been feeling. Depression is just a rough thing to go through especially if it’s severe. All the weight I’ve gained hasn’t helped either, I just hope I start feeling better at some point.
So about a few months ago, my doctor diagnosed me with Paranoid Schizophrenia. He’s tried me on various anti-psychotics, none of which have done anything but give me nasty side effects. Most of them made me shake and feel like I was crawling out of my skin (that’s how my doctor put it). One was so bad I couldn’t control my jaw. The one I’m on now was working fine until the dose was increased, now I’m getting that shaky feeling again. I wish my body would accept treatment, because hearing voices and being paranoid really sucks. It’s also been making me more depressed which doesn’t help. A few days ago, the neighbor stopped by and banged really hard on my security door, scaring the crap out of me (I don’t know why people don’t use the doorbell). I hate living in fear like that.
It’s just really starting to sink in, this new diagnosis. I don’t like it one bit. I feel like a complete outsider and nobody seems to understand. I also didn’t need this with all the other crappy things I’m diagnosed with (Asperger’s, depression, severe anxiety/panic disorder, OCD, ADHD). I’m seeing a therapist regularly, but that doesn’t really seem to be helping. I’ve been on medications and have seen doctors since I was 3 years old, I think my body is just rejecting medications at this point. I’m also so tired of it all and just want to give up, but I try to keep going day by day.