Happy 2019?

I fell behind on blogging again because I got hit with bad depression. I’m still dealing with it (and probably always will). I’m still in therapy and will be seeing my doctor soon. I also had someone else come over and help but I don’t know how that’s going to work out yet because I just met him. The weather has also had some effect. Even though it doesn’t snow here, it got pretty cold for awhile and was raining a lot. It’s warmer now but I prefer summer even thought it gets so hot.

My holidays were uneventful as they usually are. That’s about the time when this depression hit, around Thanksgiving. I’m feeling a bit better today, probably because I got a decent amount of sleep last night and I’ve only been sleeping a few hours a night for a while. I’m also trying to get back to updating my social media again. I’m taking it day by day I guess.

I just wanted to post a quick update since it’s been so long.

I’m 35 today

Today is my birthday. I spent most of it watching season 2 of Atypical on Netflix and doing laundry. I feel older physically because my health has not been great. I saw my primary care doctor yesterday, and I will have to go back to do a lung test because she thinks I may have asthma from all the years of smoking. I’ve told her I’ve tried everything to quit (Vaping, Chantix, Wellbutrin, patches, lozenges) and nothing’s working. She also said my depression needs to be managed better. I agree that it does, I have an appointment later this month for that. I’m in therapy weekly also and he acknowledges that I’ve had a really rough few years and that it would be hard to quit smoking when my mental health hasn’t been great. I also saw a nutritionist because my blood sugar was elevated. I know I need to change my diet but it’s hard to feel motivated with depression.

I know, not a good birthday post but it’s just like any other day to me.

I just realized it’s been 2 months since I’ve last blogged

During the past 2 months, I’ve had other health issues flare back up and my mental health isn’t too great either. I got hit with depression again so I haven’t cared to be active online and on social media.

A few months back my a/c unit died, then another old one was put in, then it started leaking from the vent and ceiling. A plumber was here from 5:30 PM to 11:30 PM cutting a hole in the ceiling, ripping out the old rusty unit and redoing the plumbing to put the new one in. I thought he was here way too late because I wanted to sleep. At least it’s much cooler in here than it was. Then someone had to come to repair the ceiling where the hole was, they also came late. Then another leak happened, this time it was from (presumably) the roof. I was told the roofing company has to come out and patch it. A puddle would form under my table on the floor every time it rained. I’ve been pretty frustrated with this apartment complex. Things don’t get done in a timely manner because of emergencies they’re dealing with. Many other people had to have their a/c replaced.

I’m hopefully almost done at the dentist. She kept telling me I need a night guard because I grind my teeth. It was really expensive and I really appreciated it, but I can’t stand it in my mouth. It’s so bulky. I have to go in for a cleaning on Tuesday. Hopefully, there won’t be any more work that has to be done.

Under the weather

I have been feeling lousy the past week so I made a doctor appointment (it was today). It turns out both of my ears are infected and full of fluid. This is nothing new for me, I’ve been having ear problems since I was a child. I have to take antibiotics for the infections as well as Flonase and allergy medication to get the fluid to drain. I went to the dentist last Monday for pain and my bite was off and that was fixed. I’m still having pain but it’s most likely my ears.

My depression also started getting worse. I don’t know if it’s because of this other stuff going on or medication changes. I’m also having insomnia still so that doesn’t help. Maybe because I’m just so tired all the time it’s making me more depressed. I’m on medications for that but sometimes it doesn’t work. It’s usually my brain not wanting to shut off at night. I’m in therapy trying to get my anxiety under control. I hope I start feeling better soon.

Things are starting to look up

Today I met with a lady from mental health services and she is going to help me find another apartment. She already had a place in mind but didn’t remember the name of it. I told her everything that has been going on during the past 5 years I’ve lived here. I also told her that all the problems (mainly with the pests) have made my depression a lot worse and that I need to move for my own well-being. I moved to a different unit last year in this complex because the pest problems were bad in the original unit I lived in. I thought things would be better in the new unit, but they aren’t. Obviously, most of this place is infested. :(

I meet with her again next Friday and she said she’ll have a list of places and we can go look at them. My lease isn’t up until the end of January, I’ll see if I can get out of it early but I might not be able to. If worst comes to worst I’ll have to stay until then. I renewed for a 6 month lease in August, not knowing the pest problem would get even worse. People around here don’t treat me very well either. I’m glad I didn’t sign a year lease. I’m also going to do in-home counseling. Now that I’ve gotten some help, I feel a bit more hopeful that I can get out of here and start feeling better. I won’t if I continue to stay. It’s time to move on to better things. :D


On New Year’s Eve, there were fireworks but I wasn’t able to see them well with all the trees in the way. They were on the other side of the complex and this place is huge. The country club next door does them. I didn’t have enough time to get over there because they were over so quickly. The fireworks on the 4th of July and New Year’s Eve used to be good, now they’re not. Probably budget cuts or something. I really wanted to go to the music festival that was on Friday and Saturday night, but the tickets were very expensive and the transportation would have cost too much because it was a bit far.

I’m actually glad the holidays are over because they make me depressed. Today I spent most of the day in bed because I just felt so lousy. I met with my new therapist last week and he seemed really nice. He thinks I’m depressed because of the holidays too.

I got a notice on my door the other day that the water here is going to be off from January 3-6 from 8-5. That’s really crazy. Whenever there is a leak, water to the entire property has to be shut off. They’re doing this to fix it so that doesn’t have to happen. It’s still really inconvenient to be without water for 8 hours for 3 days. I will have to put water in containers to get by until it’s back on in the evening.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a good holiday. I hope this year is better. I’m terrible at keeping New Year’s resolutions, so my resolution for this year is to just keep going.

“It isn’t only a new year; it is a new chance for everyone to restart.” – Mohammed Sekouty

Making progress

My doctor’s appointment today went well. I have been doing better as far as the depression goes, and the schizophrenia has improved a bit. I’m still having problems with anxiety, so my doctor switched me from Xanax to Klonopin. It’s supposed to last longer whereas the Xanax has a short life span.

I also created a new Facebook group, Schizophrenia, bipolar, depression and anxiety. I’d appreciate it if you would join if you suffer from those conditions. We don’t have many members as of yet.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2486″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2486″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

Update on my mental health

Things seem to be going better than usual, I think the increase in anti-depressant is helping, as well as the increase in anti-psychotic. I did have an episode of paranoia and scared feelings the other night, but all seems ok now. Unfortunately, my financial situation has taken a turn for the worse, but that’s for another private entry.

I did update my other blogs finally. Sometimes they’re hard to keep up with. I’m just taking one day at a time.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2476″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2476″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

Finally, a new theme

Just a quick blog. I finally have a new theme up, the other one was up for over a year and I needed a change.

I’m starting to feel a bit better as far as the depression, but only a little bit. That’s something though.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2169″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2169″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

In one of my moods again

I’m in one of my depressed and completely bored out of my mind moods. I always feel worse around the holidays because I don’t get to see my family. I don’t think I’m even decorating for Christmas this year, what’s the point? Nobody’s coming over. It’s also too much work to just have the stuff up for a month. Plus, my closet is such a mess it is packed to the ceiling with stuff and I don’t think I could get anything out anyway.

It sounds like my mom won’t be coming out in the spring (she was supposed to come out in October, but her back problems prevented her from doing so). She says she can’t afford it because she has to help me out with my dental issues. She bought a new house so that could also be why. I feel so bad, but I don’t have insurance. I suggested we video chat, but she said she got a new laptop and doesn’t know if it has a camera or how to do it (she’s not very good at technology).

When I’m close to running out of medication, I’m calling my doctor to see if I can come in and get some different medication, I need to start feeling better.

I’ve also been very active on my Tumblr lately, I think I’m addicted.

I don’t know if any of this is stupid or makes sense but it’s what’s going through my head right now. All my thoughts are jumbled right now.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2122″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2122″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

My depression has gotten better (for now)

It comes and goes, but right now I feel ok. I took advantage of it and got the cleaning and laundry done early as well as the grocery shopping. I do wish I had the attention span to watch some movies on Netflix. My doctor won’t give me medication for my ADHD, probably because I’m on Xanax. I just keep pausing movies to get up and do something else, I hate it. My doctor thinks it’s my depression causing that but I don’t think it is, well maybe a little bit.

I guess all I can really do is take one day at a time, and be thankful for days when I feel ok.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2110″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2110″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

Not feeling that great

My depression is getting to me again. I’ve had severe depression since high school and nothing has helped. My doctor (and other doctors) I’ve seen are a joke and just give me medications that don’t work. I wish I could go back to when I was happier a few years ago and went out and enjoyed myself. Now, I can’t even go to concerts that I used to enjoy going to because I can’t get myself to leave the apartment to go. I have one tomorrow but I don’t think I’ll make it. I’m just not in the mood. I can’t even sit and watch a movie because I have no focus or patience. I just get bored and frustrated with everything and go to bed.

I’ve tried therapy, started that at age 3 and continued it throughout my adult life. It was no help. I find it better to talk to my mom instead. Maybe I should try therapy again, although it’s hard to find someone I click with. My old therapist who I really liked left and took another job. I wish I had more friends and people to do things with.

I guess I’m done rambling for now, I should go to bed.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2062″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2062″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

So much anxiety and depression

For the past month (or month and a half, can’t remember) I’ve been having horrible depression and anxiety (with panic attacks). I’ve been missing appointments, concerts, and slacking on household chores. I did manage to clean and get the laundry done which surprised me. My medication is no help, but my doctor is so hard to get into. I just can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to do anything but stay home in my pajamas and sleep. It’s just so hard to struggle for so long with these problems. I’m on an anti-depressant and Xanax and they don’t seem to be helping even a little bit. I can only pray that things get better. It seems that after I got that flu everything went downhill. Kind of strange.

[custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2044″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2044″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]

Can’t think of a title

I tried switching hosts again and surprise, surprise, my site wouldn’t work. It just doesn’t make any sense to me why it won’t work with other hosts. Support was too slow and I couldn’t get my site fixed so I canceled. It was a good deal, $25 (with coupon) for a year of hosting. I wanted to save money because my current host charges too much for a yearly pan so I pay monthly. Cheaper isn’t always better I guess. I have noticed my site has been a little slow lately, not sure what’s going on. Probably because I have too many plugins running. :))

I’ve been going through a tough depression, things going on in my life have me stressed out and I’m just overwhelmed and want to stay in bed. I have to go in to the doctor’s office on Monday for an annual assessment to check my progress. There has been none, in fact, I’ve gotten worse. The nurse said she will see if the doctor can squeeze me in so I can discuss this and medications. I doubt it will happen since he is constantly booked. I think I’ll mention to the nurse that I don’t like the new policy of not being able to schedule appointments when I need to, not that it’ll do any good. Phoenix is a large city so they wanted to cut down the amount of appointments because the doctor was seeing so many patients he couldn’t keep track of all their health concerns. I wish I could go somewhere else, but this is the only place that will take my lousy insurance. I just wish they never did this change, I was able to see my psychiatrist whenever I needed to, now you have to call pretty much every day to see if he has an opening because they won’t schedule out farther than 1-2 days now. :-< [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2025″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
[custom_field field=”music” post_id=”2025″ limit=”0″ before=”Listening to: ” after=”

” between=”, ” /]