This is getting out of hand

Here’s yet another story about a teen committing suicide because of bullying. This makes me sad and angry at the same time. From grades 5-12, I was bullied daily. I just didn’t fit in and people thought I was “weird”. I even ended up in the hospital for wanting to commit suicide. I also got bullied because my parents couldn’t afford designer clothes and shoes. Some may not agree, but I think all schools should have uniforms to prevent that from happening. What’s worse, is that bullying is so bad it’s making teens take their own lives, and schools won’t do a thing about it. When I reported the bullying to school officials, it made them bully me even more for “tattling”.

A few years after I graduated high school, the school decided to offer classes online. I really wish they had that option while I was there, that would have been a much better option for me. I would also miss a lot of school because of my anxiety (the school was so huge it had two separate buildings) and fear of how I would be treated. I was lucky I was able to graduate with as much school as I missed.

Luckily none of the bullying was physical, but the verbal abuse hurt just as much.

What is going on?

I’m saddened to read two news articles about two people with Asperger’s who were shot and killed by police in Mesa, Arizona. Here’s the first article, and the second. Now, they shouldn’t have had knives, but when you’re having a mental health crisis, you can’t really think clearly. This article sums up most of my feelings about it. I had a mental health crisis last year and the police were called, what if they had shot and killed me?

“People experiencing mental health crises deserve better. Nobody should have to worry that when they call police to respond to a suicide crisis, the police will kill the person that they are supposed to be helping. Police departments and other public health and safety workers must be trained to understand that people experiencing mental health crises are typically not threats to others and should be treated with care instead of violence. Mental health providers must also be educated on the vital importance of transition-related health care, including for those on the autism spectrum and other disabilities.”

RIP Danielle and Kayden.

Living with Asperger’s is not easy

I wanted to get some stuff off my chest because I’m feeling upset for reasons I won’t get into here. My Asperger’s is really hard to live with. For some, it’s not that bad. There are very different levels of functioning and ability among those who are on the spectrum. For me, things tend to be more difficult.

I can’t really relate to people, understand them, or work out their intentions. Any friendship or relationship I’ve been in has led to arguing and fighting because of the things I say. I’m very open so I always say what I’m thinking. This usually tends to piss people off which is not my intention. It’s just very draining to be around people also. I also have difficulty when someone approaches me and tries to talk to me. I freeze up and stumble over my words.

I’m in an Asperger’s group on Facebook, and even those people I don’t relate to. They all seem proud to have it and wouldn’t change it. I on the other hand, wish there was a cure so I can be more “normal” and have good relationships with people. I like spending most of my time alone because it’s when I feel more myself. When I’m around people, it’s like I have to “pretend” to be like everybody else. I feel like my mom is the only person I can have a decent relationship with without any problems, probably because she’s been there for me my whole life.

Sometimes I feel like I’m better off alone so I don’t have people in my life who just don’t understand and end up treating me badly. I don’t trust many people because of this. I wish I could deal with people better, but it’s just not in me to be social. I’d rather e-mail or text someone to communicate rather than talk on the phone or in person. I even went to college online so I didn’t have to put myself through even more stress of being around people so much. I need what I call “no people time”. This is a time for me to be alone and do my own thing without others.

I guess people are just going to have to accept all of this or just not be my friend.

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Talked to my ex-girlfriend

Edit: I’ve done some thinking and told her we can’t be friends and I don’t want her in my life anymore. I have to think of myself and my mental health. Seeing her and being around her will not help me move on. She’s probably angry at me, but I have to do what I have to do.

The talk didn’t go so well, things got heated and I burst into tears. I’m feeling really hurt but we’re going to try to be friends. I still don’t like the situation but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m a very emotional person and it’s hard for me to get over things. Hell, I still think about my ex-boyfriend a year ago and get sad sometimes. Breakups are not good for me mentally so I think I should stay single, because every relationship I’ve been in hasn’t worked out. I’ve never been good with people because of my Asperger’s so I tend to upset people a lot because I say exactly what I’m thinking. The fact that I have no anti-depressant doesn’t help either, stupid insurance company won’t cover it. I’m trying to deal with the whole situation the best I can, but sometimes I get mental breakdowns. I need to try to focus on other things to keep my mind off of it.

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Great book I just read

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I thought this was a great book, I could completely relate to what the author had to say (minus the asexuality part). I would definitely recommend it if you have Asperger’s or know someone who has it.

The Curly Hair Project

I’ve been following The Curly Hair Project on Facebook, and I can completely relate to what she has to say having Asperger’s myself. I recently ordered one of Alis’s books called “Asperger’s and Me”. I can’t wait for it to arrive. I fully support this project and would recommend any females on the Autistic spectrum to check it out.

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I was thinking maybe I should be more open about my condition and how it affects my life.