I have been feeling lousy the past week so I made a doctor appointment (it was today). It turns out both of my ears are infected and full of fluid. This is nothing new for me, I’ve been having ear problems since I was a child. I have to take antibiotics for the infections as well as Flonase and allergy medication to get the fluid to drain. I went to the dentist last Monday for pain and my bite was off and that was fixed. I’m still having pain but it’s most likely my ears.
My depression also started getting worse. I don’t know if it’s because of this other stuff going on or medication changes. I’m also having insomnia still so that doesn’t help. Maybe because I’m just so tired all the time it’s making me more depressed. I’m on medications for that but sometimes it doesn’t work. It’s usually my brain not wanting to shut off at night. I’m in therapy trying to get my anxiety under control. I hope I start feeling better soon.
My anxiety has been horrible lately and the only thing that seems to help is by distracting myself by binge watching movies and TV shows on Netflix.
Some of the good movies and TV shows I’ve watched lately:
- Stranger Things
- The OA
- Degrassi Next Class
- Fuller House
- Finding Dory
- The Lazarus Project
Unfortunately, I’ll be waiting awhile for new seasons. There are more to watch, though. At least I found a way to keep my mind off of things even if it’s only for a little while.
I recently bought a worry relief journal from modcloth.com that has inspirational quotes and exercises to complete.
I have another journal in addtion to this one. Sometimes it helps for me to write everything out.
I had a horrible stomach virus at the beginning of November, now I’m having stomach issues again (but not nearly as bad as before) and either ear or tooth pain. I’m not even due to go to the dentist yet, I first want to see if it’s my ear because many times before when I had pain and went to the dentist, it wasn’t my teeth and ended up being an ear infection. I go to the doctor on Tuesday, I called this past Tuesday so that will be a week. It usually doesn’t take that long to get in, but a lot of people are sick right now because of the weather change.
I was feeling ok enough to go get a haircut today. I wasn’t at all happy with the salon I went to. Apparently, it was one of those quick salons but I didn’t know that. There is only one guy there and he was kind of rude. I was shaking with anxiety because he made me uncomfortable. I brought in a picture of how I wanted it cut and he didn’t take more than 10 minutes and said he was done. I just wanted to get out of there so I just said I liked it so I could pay and leave. I definitely won’t be going back there. If he wasn’t so intimidating I would have had him do more. I was the only person in there and their Facebook page didn’t have many likes, and then I knew why. I will have to go back to the salon I went to before even though it’s more expensive. I’m feeling like crap again now probably because of the anxiety attack I had earlier.
My doctor’s appointment today went well. I have been doing better as far as the depression goes, and the schizophrenia has improved a bit. I’m still having problems with anxiety, so my doctor switched me from Xanax to Klonopin. It’s supposed to last longer whereas the Xanax has a short life span.
I also created a new Facebook group, Schizophrenia, bipolar, depression and anxiety. I’d appreciate it if you would join if you suffer from those conditions. We don’t have many members as of yet.
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I was supposed to go on Monday, but my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t go, so I went on Thursday. My anxiety was so bad up until my appointment but I made it through it. I prefer morning appointments but they can’t seem to get me in in the mornings. I told my doctor about my problems with depression and hallucinations. He increased my anti-depressant and anti-psychotic to the highest possible doses. Hopefully I start feeling better.
Mental illnesses are so tough to deal with, and some people just don’t understand what I go through each day. I’ve been struggling since I was a child with this stuff and it just gets really tiring.
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Happy Easter to those who celebrate it. I got Easter candy and am just relaxing because I have a doctor appointment tomorrow which is giving me a lot of anxiety.
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I’ve been really bad at blogging lately, mostly because of my illnesses acting up. When I feel really unwell I basically just stay in bed or hang out with my friend. I haven’t felt like getting on the computer or anything. I’m feeling a little better now, thankfully. I see my doctor on Monday, and I need to discuss an increase in medication because of excessive paranoia and hearing things. We did talk about an increase last time, hopefully he’ll do it. There was a problem I was having with hearing things (rats, mice) but maintenance came in and inspected my apartment and found nothing, so that tells me the schizophrenia is getting worse. It’s really a hard thing to deal with sometimes. I had to miss The Devil Wears Prada on the 25th because my anxiety and other illnesses were too bad for me to handle being around a lot of people. I wish I could have gone because I really wanted to see them. Sometimes I just can’t handle those types of things when I get to feeling bad.
I’ve also been having trouble with buying on eBay. One person sold me the wrong item and another I never received. I had to contact eBay to see what happens. Some sellers on there you need to watch out for. I didn’t want to pay shipping to send the wrong item back because it wasn’t my fault they screwed up, so I’m out the money and now I have a new clock instead of what I ordered. Oh well.
Nothing much new with me, just been hanging out with my friend a lot.
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I haven’t been on the computer or blogged for quite awhile, sorry about that. I haven’t been doing too well (mentally). I saw my doctor last week, and he wasn’t much help, but he did increase one of my medications. Lately I feel like I just don’t care about anything and just want to stay in bed. January was a really bad month for me, I’m glad it’s gone. I get to pick up my anxiety medication tomorrow so hopefully that will make me feel a little better because I feel jittery and not like myself.
One good thing is that I’ve been socializing a bit more and my doctor was happy to hear that. I’m making some progress, but I’m doing it slowly. A lot of the time I don’t feel like being around people so this is a huge step. There was a party last week I went to that I couldn’t mentally handle and left. Sometimes too many people make me too anxious and I start to get sick. I figured it would be good for me to go, but it didn’t work out. I felt bad for leaving, but I had to. I’m trying and that’s what counts, right?
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For the past month (or month and a half, can’t remember) I’ve been having horrible depression and anxiety (with panic attacks). I’ve been missing appointments, concerts, and slacking on household chores. I did manage to clean and get the laundry done which surprised me. My medication is no help, but my doctor is so hard to get into. I just can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to do anything but stay home in my pajamas and sleep. It’s just so hard to struggle for so long with these problems. I’m on an anti-depressant and Xanax and they don’t seem to be helping even a little bit. I can only pray that things get better. It seems that after I got that flu everything went downhill. Kind of strange.
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Edit: It looks like some storms are coming through, hope it doesn’t affect me being able to go.
Thursday night I will be seeing Skrillex (another electronic music producer).
I’m so unbelievably anxious about this. I guess it’s because it’s a venue I’ve never been to, because places I’ve never been make me completely anxious. When I get to a venue and am inside I start to feel better, but the fear of what will or will not happen before it comes to that point is what sets my anxiety into overdrive. Especially parking lots, god those make me anxious for some reason. My anxiety disorder is so bad that I will get sick before having to go somewhere. I’m currently on Xanax, but that doesn’t seem to be strong enough to ease the anxiety enough. My doctor also put me on something else for anxiety, but it doesn’t help much either. My brain constantly goes through this “what if?” cycle and I can’t calm down. I keep trying to tell myself that everything will be alright but it doesn’t always help. Ever since I was a kid, my brain always used this type of thinking, to worry about something bad always happening. I need to try to focus on the present rather than the future all the time. My illnesses get in the way of me getting out much, all I really go out and do is get groceries or go to the pharmacy. I need to get out more and step out of my comfort zone a little bit. I really miss my therapist (he left to take another job elsewhere), he wasn’t much help because he tried everything with me, but I actually find this blog more therapeutic.
Hopefully the rain holds off for that night, because it’s an outdoor venue and I can’t see them having all that electronic equipment working in the rain. We’ve been getting a lot of monsoons, more than usual. I’m just going to try to relax for now as hard as that may be.
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Lately I have not been able to leave my apartment (except to smoke, since smoking is not allowed in the apartments here). I have been canceling doctor’s appointments because of anxiety and fear, and I’m worried I will no longer be able to see my psychologist because the doctor’s office has rules about missed appointments. I get so anxious that I become physically ill. I feel like there is some sort of force that is holding me back, not letting me do basic things like go to appointments and go grocery shopping.
I just feel like nothing matters anymore and why do I bother with anything. I wish I could have my therapy session over the phone so I can explain myself as to why I haven’t been showing up. I know I need to go, but I just can’t. I feel trapped in this bubble I can’t escape from.