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I got a new laptop, it took awhile for shipping. I wanted one with a touchscreen, but the ones I was looking at were really low end in terms of specifications. It would have cost too much. This one has everything minus the touchscreen. Can’t have everything. I’m just glad I have a computer to use.
Yesterday I had a doctor appointment. I told him about the insomnia but he didn’t really have a solution for it. He asked me why I’m not sleeping. Because I just can’t? I really don’t know what’s causing it. He took me off of the anxiety medication I was currently on (Buspar) and put me on Gabapentin. I thought that was a bit strange since it’s for seizures and nerve pain, but he said it can help with anxiety. It’s too soon to tell if it’s going to help or not. He wanted me to come back in a month.
I should go back to my regular doctor about the back pain I’m having, she seemed to think it’s a sprain, but I don’t think so. If I’ve been lying in bed for awhile it starts to really hurt and I have to get up. It mostly bothers me when I’m in bed. My mom has back problems really bad and there’s nothing much doctors can do for her. My doctor doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it and I hate going to appointments anyway.
I ended up ruining my laptop, probably because of lack of sleep. I spilled soda all over it and it quit working. I should have tried to save it (I don’t really know if I could have) but shortly after it happened, I fell asleep after being awake for 4 days. I wish my doctor would do something because being awake for days isn’t normal. He probably won’t prescribe anything because of that addiction I had to Klonopin that ruined my life. I had that laptop for 6 years, I got it for college.
Anyway, a new laptop is coming so I only have my phone for now.
I finally got ahold of my case manager, she said she would look into it, but said they usually don’t call to set something up until they have an intake appointment available. So I guess it’s just a waiting game now.
Insomnia is the worst. I’ve been awake for three days now. I really don’t know what’s causing it. The doctor increased my medications and said they should help me sleep, but they don’t. Maybe they’re having the opposite effect and are keeping me awake. I just wish I could sleep normally. I feel so tired and worn out during the day from not sleeping. Those over the counter sleep aids don’t help either. I see the doctor again later this month, I’ll ask if the medications could be keeping me awake. I always tell him I can’t sleep and he never really has an answer for it.
I’m also frustrated because I haven’t been able to get ahold of my case manager for a week regarding my referral for therapy at a different clinic. I really need to get started with therapy again, but nobody will call me back. I may have to call the supervisor. It doesn’t matter what case manager I get, they always are too hard to get ahold of and don’t call back.
I seem to be having a lot of problems with strange and creepy guys coming up to me who live in the same complex as me. When I lived in the old building, this one neighbor would always bother me by coming to the door, he didn’t seem that bad just seemed like a lonely elderly guy who didn’t really have anyone to talk to. Since I’ve moved over here, I haven’t really seen him which I guess is good. There are a couple other guys who live in another building who would keep stopping me while I was either walking to and from the store or in the store. They keep inviting me over and I would keep declining. I really don’t feel comfortable at all going to anyone’s apartment that I don’t know. They just seem really persistent and don’t seem to get it. I’m going to have to be straightforward with them and say that I’m really not interested and am not willing to come over. Then one time I was at the mailbox getting the mail, and a guy I had never seen or met before started talking to me and knew where I lived before and where I live now. I thought that was really creepy. Because of my autism and anxiety I have trouble when people just approach me like that, sometimes I’m too nice. I’m also afraid to piss them off because I don’t know how they will react or what they might do.
It seems to be getting worse, these same guys just keep approaching me. I wish they would just leave me alone. I can try to just tell them to leave me alone and just walk away. I just don’t understand why they feel the need to pester someone who clearly wants to be left alone.
Today I met with the new therapist who was taking my old therapist’s place. I was only in there for a few minutes and she really upset me, so I walked out. I started talking about what was bothering me, and she ended up just making me feel much worse. It was about something personal, so I won’t write it here. I wasn’t comfortable in her office anyway because it is 90 degrees outside with some humidity and she had a heater on. It just isn’t going to work out, so whenever I can get ahold of my case manager, I’ll have to be referred elsewhere because that’s the only therapist they have. My case manager actually forgot to set up the transportation to this appointment, and another case manager had to pick me up to get me there. Maybe that was a sign I shouldn’t have gone, lol. I don’t click with every therapist I’ve had, so this has happened before. My depression has been difficult this past week, and going in there to be upset really didn’t help anything. She seemed to really lack understanding and wanted to be judgmental when she didn’t even know me. It’s funny though that when I met her for the first time but with my old therapist, she wasn’t like that. I at least made sure transportation was set up for my doctor appointment next Tuesday.
I’m also hesitant to be referred elsewhere because the same thing could happen. I don’t know, maybe I just need time to process that my old therapist is gone and I’ll never see her again. There was only one other time I’ve walked out on a therapist like that, and that was when I was in my early 20’s. That one didn’t believe I had any illnesses and said that to my face, even though the doctor said otherwise. The whole thing just really upset me.
I’m 33 today. It’s just like any other day. When you get older, birthdays aren’t as exciting as they were when you were a kid.
I got an Amazon gift card from my mom (it came in the cupcake tin), a card from her and my dad, and I got the cake that was on sale for $5. I don’t plan on doing a whole lot today, mostly just relaxing.
I have found my new favorite app, it’s called Pacifica. It has so many features: you can keep track of your mood, thoughts, goals, audio activities for relaxation, groups, and communities. It also has a beautiful design. I’ve only been using this app for a day and I love it, I’m going to continue to use it every day. It’s a must have for those who are dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression. It’s available on the App Store and Google Play Store.
This isn’t an advertisement or anything like that, I’m just sharing a great app that I find helpful.
I was finally able to switch hosts, I wasn’t at all happy with the company I was with. There were multiple failures and migrations I wasn’t notified of, too much downtime, and support was only available late at night (here) and their website said their support is 24/7 when it clearly wasn’t. They also completely did away with shared and reseller hosting plans. I’ve already cancelled with the old host. The new hosting is paid for a year, unless I need to upgrade my plan.
There’s not much else going on, I’m waiting on maintenance to get things done around here and I have appointments to go to. My birthday is on the 8th and I have nothing planned. Since I don’t have family with me anymore, birthdays are pretty uneventful. My mom told me she sent me an Amazon gift card and I should receive that on the 1st.
I found out on Friday that my therapist is leaving. She waited until the end of our session to tell me. She explained that she weighed the pros and cons of a new job and decided to take it. I’m a bit sad by it, but therapists seem to come and go. On Thursday, I go back in to meet the new therapist who is taking over. I’ve always had a hard time finding one I connect with. If the new one doesn’t work out, I’ll have to wait for another one to become available, or I’ll be referred somewhere else. The thing I don’t like about switching therapists is I have to tell my whole story to the new one, and once I get comfortable with her, she’ll probably leave.
As for switching hosts, I’ll be doing that next week, so the site may be down for a bit. They’re just having too many problems and I will be cancelling with the old host. This will be happening on either Tuesday or Wednesday.
Every little thing has been irritating me. A bit of TMI: I start that time of month in a week and all my mental health symptoms get much worse at that time. Still having issues at the new place. What I’m most angry about is this apparent cockroach issue that’s coming from another apartment. Why can’t I just live without all this crap? It’s always something going wrong, I’m just fed up. Not only that, but the move in inspection sheet I was told I had to fill out and return before I was given my mailbox keys seems to have been pointless. Anything that is missing/broken/needs work done on was to be written down on the inspection sheet. It’s been over a week and not one thing on the list has been done. They did do something that wasn’t on the list, the transfer of my screen door and a new lock put on. The door was transferred pretty quickly but the lock took over a week for them to come put on which only took 5 minutes. The other stuff won’t take that long either. Trying to get maintenance to come do anything around here is like pulling teeth. I would think that after everything I’ve been through, they’d be more willing to try to make things better by getting stuff done, but apparently not. The manager “sincerely apologized” for the cockroach issue and said that she didn’t see or hear of any problem. Uh huh. Now I’m locked into a lease here for another year, and who knows for how much longer after that because trying to even get on a housing list is extremely difficult. Housing applications for another city opened up so I applied, but haven’t heard back. I probably wasn’t one of the ones chosen to be placed on the list. So many people need housing, but they don’t have enough vouchers for everyone. I feel bad for complaining about all this, but it’s just so crazy so you can probably imagine how frustrated and angry I am.
On another note, I have closed my other websites and will be switching hosts later this month. I’m not happy with my current host because of downtime and lack of support. The also stopped offering shared and reseller hosting altogether. I’m just going to get a shared hosting plan elsewhere. I’ve been wanting to switch hosts, but didn’t really have the time to deal with that because I was getting ready to move.
Update 8/22/16: Pest control came by to spray and bait, and a little while after he left, I saw another one on the wall. I e-mailed the manager and she sincerely apologized because there was no issue reported in this apartment previously. The problem is that people who have pest problems are not reporting it to management when they are required to do so as stated in the lease. This just causes problems for other people. They said no activity was found in my apartment, and that they were coming from another apartment. So they’re going to have to inspect the people around me to find the problem. Why would you want to live with bugs and not tell anyone? People are ridiculous.
I haven’t even lived here a week and I found a roach in the kitchen last night. I’m really mad. Pest control is coming on Monday. That’s just ridiculous. It never ends does it? I’m also still waiting on maintenance do to the things that need to be done. I wish I could live in a house and not be so close to people.
I saw that this huge 2 night NYE event is going on here and Deadmau5 will be playing. I can’t go because just general admission tickets are over $200. I wouldn’t have any way to get there anyway. Maybe if I was rich. It would be nice to see him again, but I just can’t afford it. Have to pay bills, gotta love being an adult. I remember last year I bought a ticket to the Hello Kitty festival and ended up not being able to go and was out the money. That’s what I hate about buying tickets months in advance, something can come up.
My internet bill is more than double because of the installation, which they overcharged me for. I contacted them and they said they’d give me a credit for $25 on the next bill. They told me installation was going to be $50, and I was charged $75.
It still seems like nothing is going right, especially with the new apartment. The manager said if it’s just one then don’t worry too much, but if there are more then they will have to fog and I would have to get everything prepped after I got everything unpacked. I feel like I’m cursed.
The movers as well as my case manager came at 8 this morning. As the movers were moving things out, my case manager helped me get items put away that I didn’t have time to do yesterday. They got me moved in less than 3 hours. Most of the boxes are in closets so they aren’t in my way. I only unpacked important things I will need because I have to be done cleaning the old apartment by Friday.
It’s going to be really hard to clean that place because I let it go because of my depression. At least this place is clean, all I have to do is dust wooden furniture and clean glass. There are several things maintenance has to do: Transfer my screen door from the old apartment to the new one (I paid for it), replace the drawer in the refrigerator, paint a door that they forgot, fix a rip in the vinyl flooring (that’s just a maybe at this point), and put a towel rod in the bathroom that should have been there in the first place. The cable company is coming tomorrow to hook up the Internet.
I unfortunately have to reschedule my therapy appointment this week because I don’t have time to go.
My main focus has to be getting the old place clean by Friday.
Monday will be here before I know it, and there’s still a lot to do. I’m still not done packing, I’m waiting for my case manager to bring over more boxes because I’ve filled all the ones I have. There are so many boxes I can barely walk in here. I was given the okay from the manager to move. The exterminator came Monday and did another treatment. He didn’t find any more bugs. I needed to start the process of having my mail forwarded and internet transferred. I wish I could have done that sooner, but I had to wait until I was told there were no more bugs before I was officially able to move. I have to turn in my keys to this place on the 19th, so after I move, I will have to come back over here to clean. I’m having too much trouble cleaning with so much stuff everywhere. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get done in time. To me it doesn’t make much sense to do all this cleaning when they’re going to be tearing this place apart when I move out. The manager said I needed to make sure that the appliances were at least clean. There are a lot of things that I won’t be able to get clean (rust, hard water stains), and will have to be replaced. I already told her about that and she said it was fine. I wouldn’t be surprised though if I get a bill for cleaning. My security deposit was only $100 so that isn’t going to cover much. I just have to do what I can and hope for the best.
I know I just blogged, but I thought this was an important thing to write about (for me). It’s officially been a year since my arrest. It happened one year ago today. For the backstory on everything that happened, go here.
I was discussing this with my therapist yesterday, and I told her that the whole ordeal haunts me to this day. She told me I can’t keep focusing on the past and there’s nothing I can do to change it. Yes, that’s true, but that had to be one of the absolute worst days of my life. It’s hard not to think about it. My mom told me I shouldn’t even be worried about it. My issue with it is the fact that it will show up when someone does a background check. This could make certain things difficult, like getting another apartment. A landlord might see the charge and not allow me to move there. It won’t affect me moving to the new apartment here, but I don’t plan on staying in this particular complex longer than a year.
Anyway, I at least learned my lesson and haven’t gotten in trouble again so that’s a positive side to it.
Today I found out from my case manager that my housing assistance fell through. The place that was offering it changed their criteria and I no longer meet it so I was taken off the list. Basically they are now only concerned with providing housing for people who are homeless. She did tell me that the city of Phoenix is opening up their wait list for the first time in 11 years and it would be in my best interest to apply. That could really be my only option. She said someone at the clinic will be coming in in September to help all the people who got kicked off the housing wait list to help them find other options. If I end up getting the housing in Phoenix, I’ll have to move there. I’m in a different city, so I will probably only be able to stay here (but in the new apartment) for another year and I’ll have to relocate.
I was also told by the apartment manager that the apartment I was going to be moving into was completely destroyed by the previous tenants and that there is no way it would be ready by the 15th. I will be moving to a different one. This one is all ready to move into, I already looked at it today. There are just a few things that were missed that need to be fixed. I also found out that I have to have another bed bug treatment on Monday. I have to make sure everything is ready for that. I’m really not crazy about the particular building I’m moving to, but it’s my only option unless I want to wait longer.
It’s monsoon season here, and I never like it when it happens. Too much rain preventing me from going to the store or doing my laundry. A lot of people here love it, but when I lived in Pennsylvania, it was always snowing or raining and I was always stuck inside. Here I’m outside a lot except for when the monsoons hit. Yesterday I had a doctor appointment and really needed to go to the pharmacy afterwards, but a storm hit and there was a lot of flooding. I waited until it finally stopped raining to go, and I lost one of my shoes in the flooded street. It was like a river in the street and the shoe got carried away to the middle of a busy intersection so I couldn’t get it. I felt so stupid walking into Walgreens with only 1 shoe on. I also realized that I left my debit card at home, but luckily I had enough cash on me to get the prescriptions. I wanted to buy a pair of flip flops so I’d have something to wear on the walk home, but I didn’t have enough cash left to buy them. I had to walk all the way home with only 1 shoe. Earlier that day, the cab never showed up to take me to my doctor appointment so my case manager had to come get me, I was late to the appointment but at least he was willing to still see me because it wasn’t my fault.
I’m still really stressed and overwhelmed from having to spend 2 straight weeks prepping for that bedbug treatment, and I’m feeling the pressure of maybe not getting all the cleaning done in time. For one, I can’t even find my cleaning supplies. Literally everything had to be thrown in boxes quickly to be ready for the treatment. I’ve gone through most of them and still can’t find what I need. I’m trying to look at the positive that I’ll be out of this awful apartment in 12 days, but it’s hard. I was then told by my case manager that the housing I applied for I may not even qualify for anymore. She won’t have any more information on that until Friday. The city of Phoenix is opening up the housing list for applications on Monday and she told me I should apply. Unfortunately, the apartment I’m moving to is not in Phoenix, so I may have to move AGAIN. I wish they would have opened that list a long time ago.
Finally put up a new theme and added/updated widgets. I was really frustrated last night trying to get it up because all my websites suddenly went down and I wasn’t able to. I will probably be switching hosts, but I already paid for this month. With getting ready to move, I don’t really have time to move everything to a different host. I have a lot of cleaning I have to get done before I move. This whole move is really stressing me out, I can’t wait until it’s all over. It’s hard to get things done with illnesses getting in the way.
Really short blog because I don’t have much else to say.
The exterminator came and fogged the apartment today. Unfortunately, he found a live bedbug on the bed. That was the only one he found. He has to come back in 2 weeks to check on things. He didn’t think there was really an issue. So far the move is still on, if something happens, the manager will let me know at least a week in advance in case I need to reschedule with the moving company.
I guess all I can do is pray and hope I can still move as scheduled. I had them really bad last year, and this is nothing like that. If I can’t move on time, then there’s really nothing I can do even though it would be a big letdown because I really want to get out of there.