I’ve been looking for a new doctor. The main reasons for that are my current one doesn’t take my secondary insurance, and she didn’t listen to me during the last visit. I got a bill in the mail for what my primary insurance didn’t pay. It’s not much, but I’d like to find a doctor who will take both. I’m still having back pain, and I’ve been having some pain and numbness in my right leg. I also am having a lot of stomach problems, it seems to hurt really often and I’m always running to the bathroom. The doctor thought it was because of anxiety, but I don’t think that’s the only reason. I’m always tired and have no energy.
I need a doctor who will listen and send me somewhere to have these things checked out. I’ve also gained a lot of weight, that might be because of the amounts of medications I’m on and the high doses. My depression has been bad as well. I thought that maybe it was because of the holidays, but they are over so I guess it’s not that. I see my psych doctor on Tuesday. I’m going to tell him that maybe it’s time to change my antidepressant to something I’ve never been on. It sucks feeling so blah and having no energy to get anything done.
Side note: I’ve opened an Etsy Shop.
I saw this writing prompt entry and decided to do it.
Reflecting on last year
- A happy memory was having a period of time when I wasn’t feeling so depressed for a few months.
- I was challenged by figuring out how to do sponsored blog posts. It took me some time to learn how to do it correctly.
- I was surprised by the election results.
- I learned to just ignore my new neighbors, even though they drive me nuts.
- I regret treating some people poorly because of mood swings and depression.
- I accomplished one of my goals of writing more.
- I feel good about going to a new therapist.
- I took care of myself by going to regular doctor and therapy visits.
- I wasted time/energy on worrying about things I can’t control.
- I’m grieving a friendship I had to end.
- I’m angry about the results of the election and how it will affect people, and how other people tend to treat me.
- I’m grateful for a place to live.
Looking forward to the new year
- I’m excited about new series and movies coming to Netflix.
- I plan to just keep going.
- I’m worried about losing my insurance and other things.
- When things don’t go as planned I will research an alternative.
- I wish for better health.
- This year is going to be great because it’s a fresh start.
- My intention for this year is to make it better than the last.
- I will take care of myself by spending much needed time to myself.
- Every day I plan to do something I enjoy.
- I will show myself compassion by not beating myself up for my mistakes.
- This year I want to add more friends to my life.
- I will accept myself by embracing my good qualities.
- I will accept others by listening to them.
- I will focus on doing what I can do and be ok if some things don’t get done immediately. One step at a time.
On New Year’s Eve, there were fireworks but I wasn’t able to see them well with all the trees in the way. They were on the other side of the complex and this place is huge. The country club next door does them. I didn’t have enough time to get over there because they were over so quickly. The fireworks on the 4th of July and New Year’s Eve used to be good, now they’re not. Probably budget cuts or something. I really wanted to go to the music festival that was on Friday and Saturday night, but the tickets were very expensive and the transportation would have cost too much because it was a bit far.
I’m actually glad the holidays are over because they make me depressed. Today I spent most of the day in bed because I just felt so lousy. I met with my new therapist last week and he seemed really nice. He thinks I’m depressed because of the holidays too.
I got a notice on my door the other day that the water here is going to be off from January 3-6 from 8-5. That’s really crazy. Whenever there is a leak, water to the entire property has to be shut off. They’re doing this to fix it so that doesn’t have to happen. It’s still really inconvenient to be without water for 8 hours for 3 days. I will have to put water in containers to get by until it’s back on in the evening.
Anyway, I hope everyone had a good holiday. I hope this year is better. I’m terrible at keeping New Year’s resolutions, so my resolution for this year is to just keep going.
“It isn’t only a new year; it is a new chance for everyone to restart.” – Mohammed Sekouty
I recently bought a worry relief journal from modcloth.com that has inspirational quotes and exercises to complete.
I have another journal in addtion to this one. Sometimes it helps for me to write everything out.
It certainly doesn’t feel like Christmas is soon. I used to have a Christmas tree, lights, and other decorations, but the rats in the old apartment chewed it all up. It all had to be thrown away. My mom got me one thing I wanted:
A Hello Kitty sweater
It’s always hard during holidays because nobody can afford plane tickets to see each other. I’ve asked my mom to Skype but she won’t do it, she doesn’t really want anything to do with technology I guess. I ask her every year and it’s always a no. I feel kind of hurt that she doesn’t want to make the effort to video chat with me. I don’t know, I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t really care to see me even if it’s only by video chat. Maybe I’m overreacting.
I saw the doctor yesterday, and I felt like I wasted most of my day. It took awhile for me to be seen. I told her about the pain in my ear, stomach, and back. She looked in my ear and said there’s really nothing wrong and it’s probably a dental issue. She dismissed my back and stomach pain. I made an appointment with the dentist, I’m worried because I don’t have insurance and will need help from family for the costs. It’s like the dentist’s office didn’t believe me either. I guess because I have mental illnesses, people don’t take me seriously. My doctor prescribed me an anti-nausea medication which isn’t really helping. I feel like crap. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow that I really don’t want to cancel because I’ve been waiting for over a month to see him. My psychiatrist said I should have my back x-rayed, but my regular doctor doesn’t seem concerned at all with it. The next time I see him I’ll have to tell him that. I may have to start looking for a new doctor, but I’m afraid the same thing will happen (them not believing me about the pain). At least at the dentist, if they find something it’ll get taken care of.
I had a horrible stomach virus at the beginning of November, now I’m having stomach issues again (but not nearly as bad as before) and either ear or tooth pain. I’m not even due to go to the dentist yet, I first want to see if it’s my ear because many times before when I had pain and went to the dentist, it wasn’t my teeth and ended up being an ear infection. I go to the doctor on Tuesday, I called this past Tuesday so that will be a week. It usually doesn’t take that long to get in, but a lot of people are sick right now because of the weather change.
I was feeling ok enough to go get a haircut today. I wasn’t at all happy with the salon I went to. Apparently, it was one of those quick salons but I didn’t know that. There is only one guy there and he was kind of rude. I was shaking with anxiety because he made me uncomfortable. I brought in a picture of how I wanted it cut and he didn’t take more than 10 minutes and said he was done. I just wanted to get out of there so I just said I liked it so I could pay and leave. I definitely won’t be going back there. If he wasn’t so intimidating I would have had him do more. I was the only person in there and their Facebook page didn’t have many likes, and then I knew why. I will have to go back to the salon I went to before even though it’s more expensive. I’m feeling like crap again now probably because of the anxiety attack I had earlier.
I’ve been really cold. It’s not as cold as when I lived in Pennsylvania where it can get below 0, but in Arizona, I’m used to very high temperatures most of the year. The apartment complex I live in uses a chiller system, it’s an old system that I’m not too fond of because you can only have either air conditioning or heat, not both at the same time. They finally shut down the chiller systems today, and they have to be down for at least 2 days before the heat can be turned on. I was told it will be on Wednesday. I’ve been having to use a space heater because management wouldn’t start the process of getting the heat on until after Thanksgiving, because they say too many people would complain if the heat was on while they are preparing Thanksgiving dinner, saying it would be too hot.
My Thanksgiving was pretty dull, I just made a casserole because I didn’t want to go through all the trouble of making a huge meal just for myself. I also met some neighbors, a husband, and wife. The husband has mental illnesses which are pretty obvious and he told me about. They have knocked on my door at night before and I got irritated. Just the husband knocked on the door last night because he was out of cigarettes. I gave him a couple because he has done the same for me a few times. He started rambling on and on and not much of it made sense, so I told him I had to go back inside and he left. I’m going to have to tell him that we seem to be on different schedules. He and his wife sleep during the day and are up at night. I am up during the day and go to bed at night. I really don’t want anyone knocking on the door after dark.
The seller gave me a refund without me having to ship it back, so that’s good. I think I’ll be avoiding that site from now on, seems to be mostly cheap stuff from China. I found a lot of complaints online about them.
Today .blog domains were available for registration, pretty much any good name is a “premium” domain for thousands of dollars. So much for that. I didn’t have the money anyway, and the names I would want I can’t get. I’ll be sticking with this domain, I’ve had it since 2008. I don’t even need to renew it until 2018.
Update 11/16/16: The seller seems upset that I left negative feedback and basically wants positive feedback. They said they refunded me, but I’m not sure since the balance on my card was a bit higher than it was but says nothing in my transaction history. I don’t think they deserve positive feedback, I wanted to warn others and for them to learn not to package things so horribly.
I had a horrible experience ordering from a particular website. I won’t link to it, but it wasn’t eBay. Weeks ago, I ordered a laptop skin. The price was great so I wanted to get it. Big mistake.
Today I finally received it, and this is how it arrived:
I don’t understand why the seller would even roll it up like that, I can’t even use it because of how wrinkled it is. I opened a dispute, I may not get a full refund because I’m not paying to ship it back. It would cost more to ship back than what I originally paid. Now I know why they were selling it for that cheap. I sent this picture along with the dispute. I’ll have to wait and see what happens. I definitely will not order from that site again.
This post will be TMI, just a bit of a warning.
Last Tuesday, I came down with a nasty virus and started feeling very dizzy. The dizziness made me start throwing up a lot. I was stuck in bed for days because of how awful I felt. I wasn’t able to go down the stairs or anything. I couldn’t keep any food down either. Every day after that I thought I was better but started feeling like crap again. It’s been almost a week and I’m finally better. I had to get caught up on the cleaning this morning so maintenance can come. I had to put it off until I was well enough to clean because I wasn’t able to while I was sick. On Friday, someone from my clinic was suppposed to call and set up a time to do a home visit to help me with something. I never heard from her, maybe because my case manager told her I was sick. I’m going to see if I can get ahold of her. I may have missed the opportunity for help, but I was just too sick to have someone come over.
I seem to get sick with this same thing every year around Thanksgiving. I also catch a bad cold this time of year. I’m just glad I’m able to get back to a normal routine and am not stuck in bed.
I am very disappointed (and saddened) by America. Some may not agree, but I never thought Donald Trump was fit to be president. All the horrible things he’s said and done didn’t seem to matter to people. I definately didn’t vote for him. I’m very scared for this country.
I had an intake appointment at a new place today so I can start therapy there. The appointment was at 1:45 but the lady I had the appointment with didn’t take me back until 2. She had to ask a ton of questions and update my treatment plan. It went okay, and I even got to meet the therapist briefly. He seemed really nice and nothing like that horrible one I saw last month that made me have to go somewhere else. After that, I called the cab company for a ride home. This place is a lot farther out than the one I usually go to. They said a cab should be here between 10 minutes to an hour. By this time, it started getting really dark outside because a storm was coming. I waited for an hour and no cab came. I called the cab company back and they said they were “working on it”. I waited another half hour and still nobody. I went back in to the clinic and asked if they knew what I could do. The lady I had an appointment with told me to try calling the clinic I normally go to, so I did. By this time it started raining. They said a cab was supposed to have picked me up an hour ago, so she sent another one. One did show up but claimed they couldn’t find me and had to cancel the trip. I was really upset at this point. I was standing outside in the cold rain waiting for them. I called back again and they said they’d have a cab sent right away, so I went back outside to wait. It finally showed up so I got in. He told me the traffic was really bad because of the weather. I was so glad to get out of the rain, and by this time it was completely dark outside. During the ride, another cab kept calling and texting that they were there to pick me up. I didn’t answer because they are usually rude if I don’t show, but I had already been picked up.
I didn’t get home until after 6. That was crazy. I think if when I have an appointment and there’s a storm coming, I’m going to cancel.
I got a new laptop, it took awhile for shipping. I wanted one with a touchscreen, but the ones I was looking at were really low end in terms of specifications. It would have cost too much. This one has everything minus the touchscreen. Can’t have everything. I’m just glad I have a computer to use.
Yesterday I had a doctor appointment. I told him about the insomnia but he didn’t really have a solution for it. He asked me why I’m not sleeping. Because I just can’t? I really don’t know what’s causing it. He took me off of the anxiety medication I was currently on (Buspar) and put me on Gabapentin. I thought that was a bit strange since it’s for seizures and nerve pain, but he said it can help with anxiety. It’s too soon to tell if it’s going to help or not. He wanted me to come back in a month.
I should go back to my regular doctor about the back pain I’m having, she seemed to think it’s a sprain, but I don’t think so. If I’ve been lying in bed for awhile it starts to really hurt and I have to get up. It mostly bothers me when I’m in bed. My mom has back problems really bad and there’s nothing much doctors can do for her. My doctor doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it and I hate going to appointments anyway.
I ended up ruining my laptop, probably because of lack of sleep. I spilled soda all over it and it quit working. I should have tried to save it (I don’t really know if I could have) but shortly after it happened, I fell asleep after being awake for 4 days. I wish my doctor would do something because being awake for days isn’t normal. He probably won’t prescribe anything because of that addiction I had to Klonopin that ruined my life. I had that laptop for 6 years, I got it for college.
Anyway, a new laptop is coming so I only have my phone for now.
I finally got ahold of my case manager, she said she would look into it, but said they usually don’t call to set something up until they have an intake appointment available. So I guess it’s just a waiting game now.
Insomnia is the worst. I’ve been awake for three days now. I really don’t know what’s causing it. The doctor increased my medications and said they should help me sleep, but they don’t. Maybe they’re having the opposite effect and are keeping me awake. I just wish I could sleep normally. I feel so tired and worn out during the day from not sleeping. Those over the counter sleep aids don’t help either. I see the doctor again later this month, I’ll ask if the medications could be keeping me awake. I always tell him I can’t sleep and he never really has an answer for it.
I’m also frustrated because I haven’t been able to get ahold of my case manager for a week regarding my referral for therapy at a different clinic. I really need to get started with therapy again, but nobody will call me back. I may have to call the supervisor. It doesn’t matter what case manager I get, they always are too hard to get ahold of and don’t call back.
I seem to be having a lot of problems with strange and creepy guys coming up to me who live in the same complex as me. When I lived in the old building, this one neighbor would always bother me by coming to the door, he didn’t seem that bad just seemed like a lonely elderly guy who didn’t really have anyone to talk to. Since I’ve moved over here, I haven’t really seen him which I guess is good. There are a couple other guys who live in another building who would keep stopping me while I was either walking to and from the store or in the store. They keep inviting me over and I would keep declining. I really don’t feel comfortable at all going to anyone’s apartment that I don’t know. They just seem really persistent and don’t seem to get it. I’m going to have to be straightforward with them and say that I’m really not interested and am not willing to come over. Then one time I was at the mailbox getting the mail, and a guy I had never seen or met before started talking to me and knew where I lived before and where I live now. I thought that was really creepy. Because of my autism and anxiety I have trouble when people just approach me like that, sometimes I’m too nice. I’m also afraid to piss them off because I don’t know how they will react or what they might do.
It seems to be getting worse, these same guys just keep approaching me. I wish they would just leave me alone. I can try to just tell them to leave me alone and just walk away. I just don’t understand why they feel the need to pester someone who clearly wants to be left alone.
Today I met with the new therapist who was taking my old therapist’s place. I was only in there for a few minutes and she really upset me, so I walked out. I started talking about what was bothering me, and she ended up just making me feel much worse. It was about something personal, so I won’t write it here. I wasn’t comfortable in her office anyway because it is 90 degrees outside with some humidity and she had a heater on. It just isn’t going to work out, so whenever I can get ahold of my case manager, I’ll have to be referred elsewhere because that’s the only therapist they have. My case manager actually forgot to set up the transportation to this appointment, and another case manager had to pick me up to get me there. Maybe that was a sign I shouldn’t have gone, lol. I don’t click with every therapist I’ve had, so this has happened before. My depression has been difficult this past week, and going in there to be upset really didn’t help anything. She seemed to really lack understanding and wanted to be judgmental when she didn’t even know me. It’s funny though that when I met her for the first time but with my old therapist, she wasn’t like that. I at least made sure transportation was set up for my doctor appointment next Tuesday.
I’m also hesitant to be referred elsewhere because the same thing could happen. I don’t know, maybe I just need time to process that my old therapist is gone and I’ll never see her again. There was only one other time I’ve walked out on a therapist like that, and that was when I was in my early 20’s. That one didn’t believe I had any illnesses and said that to my face, even though the doctor said otherwise. The whole thing just really upset me.
I’m 33 today. It’s just like any other day. When you get older, birthdays aren’t as exciting as they were when you were a kid.
I got an Amazon gift card from my mom (it came in the cupcake tin), a card from her and my dad, and I got the cake that was on sale for $5. I don’t plan on doing a whole lot today, mostly just relaxing.
I have found my new favorite app, it’s called Pacifica. It has so many features: you can keep track of your mood, thoughts, goals, audio activities for relaxation, groups, and communities. It also has a beautiful design. I’ve only been using this app for a day and I love it, I’m going to continue to use it every day. It’s a must have for those who are dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression. It’s available on the App Store and Google Play Store.
This isn’t an advertisement or anything like that, I’m just sharing a great app that I find helpful.