I’m 34 today. I’m starting to feel old. I don’t really have any plans today but I’ll probably be drinking. I found a small round birthday cake at the grocery store bakery marked down to $4.99, so I bought it. My mom got me a Yankee candle (I love those) and some other little things. I’ve said this before, birthdays aren’t really a big deal anymore the older I get. I’ve been under a lot of stress because of my current living situation, but today I’m going to try not to stress too much.
I miss birthdays when I was a kid, spending them with all the family and especially my grandparents. They spoiled me and I loved it. My grandparents died, so birthdays and holidays aren’t the same. I have some old pictures of me with my grandmother on my birthday. Here are some pictures of me with my grandmother on my 2nd and 5th birthday:
I’ve been really mad that my apartment is now infested with cockroaches. I went off a bit on office staff about how tired I am of pest problems. The last unit I lived in here was infested with rats and bedbugs, pest control was having a hard time getting rid of them so I moved to another unit (the one I’m in now). I started seeing a cockroach here and there a week after I moved in here. Pest control has been coming regularly to spray but that isn’t working anymore because the problem has gotten worse. Neighbors had them and never said anything, now most of them have moved out which caused the cockroaches to move in here. I’m now having to spend all this time doing all the prep work for a more intensive treatment. They did this intensive treatment several months ago to all the units and thought that would be the end of it but that is not the case. Everything has to be ready by Wednesday. I got a lot done today. It also doesn’t sound like they want to treat these vacant units until they’re done being remodeled. This could take weeks/months for them to finish them. I doubt that the problem will go away unless they do the treatment in mine and the others the same day.
The lease is up at the end of January and they require 60 days notice if I’m moving. That means I would have to find another place by November. My mental health clinic offers a lot of services, so my case manager is referring me to someone who can help me find another place. They help you find and go look at apartments. I haven’t had a lot of luck looking online, I found one place that might work but I’ll have to see if this person might have other ideas. 5 years at this ridiculous place is plenty. My mental health has gotten worse because there is just problem after problem. I know cockroaches are a common problem in Arizona, but if management would stop making excuses for not checking other units it wouldn’t be getting to this point.
I’ve written about this before, but I had this “friend” who would constantly piss me off with her crappy behavior. She may see this, but oh well who cares.
I met her at my apartment complex a few years ago. This “friendship” was never really right to begin with. I kept telling her the truth but she made it out to always be my fault for not “understanding” or whatever. I understand just fine. It was always a one sided friendship. When I lived on the other side of the complex, she would harass me constantly for cigarettes. She said her boyfriend takes all her money and she can’t buy her own. She uses people. If they have something she wants (cigarettes, a place to live, pot, etc) she’ll always be around. I would always be the one to reach out to talk or hang out but she wouldn’t unless she wanted something. She came over to visit this past Sunday, and the only reason she did that was that she wanted me to go to the store for her. She gave me the money, but still. Her health is bad so she can’t really walk. Staying in bed all the time and abusing pills really isn’t helping the situation (been there done that, it doesn’t help anything at all). She also has no manners and is very rude. Of course, if I bring this up I get yelled at and it’s my fault somehow again. When she was over, she wouldn’t stop texting and talking on the phone. The right thing to do would have been to tell them she’s busy and would talk later. She says she has her own stuff going on and I’m apparently wrong for wanting to actually talk and spend time with her. There’s always some excuse.
I would stupidly forgive her time and time again, probably because I’m not good at socializing and making friends. I can’t let this continue. Even my mom doesn’t like her because of this behavior. Whenever I point out this behavior, I’m the bad guy. I can’t win. I just need to move on with my life. None of this is ever going to change because she doesn’t see an issue with her actions. It’s always my fault. No more.
I plan on moving out of here in the near future, but her lease is up before mine.
Earlier this week someone got ahold of my debit card information and there was an unauthorized charge for $0.56 for a medical place in another state. I called the bank right away and they canceled the card and was sending me a new one. They said it would take 7-10 business days to receive it. I told them I couldn’t wait that long because some bills were due. I just received the new card today because they sent it express so I’d get it sooner. The unauthorized charge didn’t go through so I didn’t have to dispute it. Whoever got my information tried to make hundreds of dollars in purchases in the middle of the night last night, and they were all declined because the card was canceled.
This has happened several times in the past, unfortunately. People must be getting the card numbers from a website or from a store. I only use my card online on legitimate websites. I don’t know what else I can do to try to prevent this, but I suppose if someone really wants the information they’ll find a way to get it anyway.
Yesterday I saw the GI doctor and he wanted me to have a colonoscopy done. He asked if I had anyone who could be with me and go home with me because they would have to put me to sleep. I don’t have anyone, so he didn’t schedule the procedure because he said it would be a liability issue if I went home alone. I also can’t do it because I can’t have any food for a day, only liquids. I have low blood sugar and have to eat several times a day. Liquids are not going to keep my blood sugar up and I will get sick. I also can’t take any of my medications which are also a huge problem. My mental health has been bad, and I really don’t think this is something I can do. I also have past trauma of being put to sleep. When I had my tonsils removed as a kid, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital afterward for a month. The doctor said that they would also want to put me to sleep to stick a scope down my throat and into my stomach. My case manager even said if I am not mentally stable enough for something like this, then don’t do it. The doctor also mentioned ultrasounds and bloodwork. Those might be my only other options. I feel like the doctor doesn’t understand that this is not good for my mental health. I’ll just have to tell them that I can’t do this because of my mental health.
I went back to my PCP last week still about the allergic reaction/itching and stomach problems. She had me do bloodwork there to check for Celiac Disease. That came back negative, so she referred me to a dermatologist and a GI doctor. I see the dermatologist on the 27th but the GI doctor said they couldn’t get me in until October. I spoke with the referral department about how long it will take to see the GI doctor, and they gave me a number to a different one. They were closed when I called so I’ll try again on Monday. My stomach is bothering me on a daily basis and it can’t wait until October. I hope the other one can get me in sooner. I wouldn’t be surprised if my anxiety has caused an ulcer or something.
I also saw my psychiatrist last week, he increased one medication and prescribed a new one. I wasn’t able to get the new one because insurance wouldn’t cover it. I left them several messages about that, and the pharmacy sent over several faxes. The doctor hasn’t responded to the pharmacy and I haven’t been able to get anyone to call me back. It’s a brand name drug that doesn’t have a generic, so that’s why it’s not covered. To get it covered, the psychiatrist would have to do paperwork and send it to the insurance company, which I’m sure he doesn’t have time to do. I suggested in the message to prescribe an alternative that has a generic. I’m really frustrated that this still hasn’t been resolved. The medication was for insomnia which I’m still having really bad. The pharmacy said they need to hear from the doctor about this. I understand he’s busy, but it shouldn’t be taking this long to resolve. I shouldn’t have to keep calling them, it’s such a pain. Sometimes I really have to be persistent with things like this.
I received a lease renewal notice, and it’s going up $100/month. I really don’t want to renew, but I haven’t been able to find anything else that will work. Most of the places I’ve looked up have a lot of break-ins and bed bug problems. The manager is willing to let me sign a 6-month lease instead of a year, so that’s what I’m going to have to do since there’s no time to find anything when I haven’t had luck anyway. My current lease is up July 31st. I also had to get renter’s insurance because it’s now required. During the 6-month lease, I’m going to have to figure something else out because it’s getting too expensive to live here and I’ve experienced way too many problems here the past 5 years (rodent and bug infestations, leaks, water is being shut off for repairs too much, nosey neighbors always trying to pry into my business/cause drama, air conditioning isn’t that great).
I also received an e-mail from the cable company saying they are capping internet usage at 1TB/month and if you go over that, you have to pay more. I don’t use that much, but still. There aren’t really any other options because they have a monopoly in this area. Hopefully, I won’t have to worry about it much.
I’ve never been good with people because of my autism, and I really don’t like when people put me on the spot or expect me to do things I’m not comfortable doing. There’s this young couple who lives 2 doors down from me and the guy’s mother is staying with them, and the father occasionally comes by and apparently, the son doesn’t want him to. Sometimes when I start to come outside for a cigarette, the father is sitting in my chair (which isn’t a big deal, but he can’t seem to leave me alone). He keeps asking me to do things that I’m not comfortable doing (knocking on his son and girlfriend’s door). I don’t know them and they don’t know me. The son tends to ignore the father’s efforts to contact him because I guess they don’t get along. The father keeps thanking me for doing these things when I don’t do them, I just say yeah ok when I really should say no. I just feel bad because it’s a sad situation all around. I just don’t want to get involved because it’s not my place to act as a mediator between father and son. I’m just going to have to say no and hope he doesn’t get too upset. I’m really not good with people and forced interaction. I just like to keep to myself honestly.
Today my apartment complex held a pool party with a DJ, food, drinks, and raffles for $100 gift cards. I wish I could have gone, but there were several reasons why I couldn’t. The reasons were this itchy skin condition, the heat, and feeling wiped out because my back flared up this morning. I always miss out on fun stuff. I used to be able to go to a lot of different things (I had a car then and don’t now, so that also makes it hard) when I was in my 20’s, but once I hit my 30’s, my physical and mental health have deteriorated. I miss being able to do a lot of things, it sucks getting older. Whenever I do miss something I wanted to go to, I feel pretty crappy about it for a day or two especially when other people tell me how much fun it was. At the end of the day, I just have to be okay with my decision not to go to some things if it would negatively affect my health.
Is anyone else on the spectrum annoyed about this fidget toy trend? I don’t even own one myself. Something that’s used to help people with autism, anxiety, ADHD, etc. is now some huge fad. I saw this article and would have to agree.
“Mum, it’s like everyone wants to be autistic like me now!” my 8-year-old daughter announced as she came out of school on Monday.
She was referring to the latest “craze” for the fidget spinner in her school (and it seems every other school in the country). Suddenly it was “cool” to want to fidget, and if you didn’t have the must-have fidget toy, you were somehow the odd one out.
It did somewhat amuse me to think that after an entire month of autism awareness all it actually took to make autism “cool” was a little handheld plastic and metal spinner!
I was considering a fidget cube awhile back, but never actually got one. I don’t exactly want to jump on this trend now.
This allergic reaction is still going on, despite stopping a certain medication that may have been the cause. It may take awhile for it to leave my system. The doctor prescribed another round of steroids. She keeps saying it’s something I’m eating or using. I’ve only ever had allergic reactions to medications, nothing else. I know exactly what I’m eating and using and was eating and using these things with no problems a month ago but she won’t listen to me. She’s going to have to refer me to someone who can help me with finding the cause if it isn’t that medication. I need to allow some more time to see if it clears up and stay off that medication permanently. It’s just really frustrating because being red and itchy is not fun.
As far as therapy goes, I’ve decided not to do it at this time. I was really put off by the last therapist’s behavior, and I can’t seem to find another one I connect with. Honestly, I’ve only had 2 good therapists. The only reason why I’m not seeing them anymore is because they left to take a job elsewhere. I also want to cut back on appointments since the transportation services are a nightmare half the time. Last week I had a doctor appointment and was left stuck outside after they closed waiting for someone to show up for an hour and a half. When I complain, all I get is a half-assed apology. If only I had the money to reinstate my license and get a car.
Update: A new therapist called and he seemed kind of rude. I get really flustered on the phone because of anxiety and agreed to an appointment I didn’t really want. I called this morning to cancel. I’m just not having much luck with therapists and am getting too frustrated at this point, so I don’t really want therapy right now.
I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday, he took me off one medication because it wasn’t helping and prescribed something to help me sleep. It worked for one night so far. I miss the nights years ago when I could sleep normally. I think it’s related to my mental health and I have been going to therapy. I will have to switch to a different therapist because he kept bringing up sexual things and asking questions that I didn’t think were appropriate. I told him to stop making these comments and he made it seem like it was my fault because “everyone else talks about it”. I’m not really concerned with what “everyone else” is talking about, I’m not “everyone else”. It’s one thing if I brought it up, but I didn’t. It seemed like he was trying to make me feel bad about it. I asked a couple of people what they thought, and they thought he was out of line. He didn’t seem to like that I didn’t think his comments were appropriate and I want to see someone else. Oh well, I have every right to switch if I’m not comfortable.
Yesterday the regular doctor said the allergic reaction appears to be gone now but it could come back. She told me to pay attention to what I’m using (I haven’t changed anything). My skin has been really dry and it usually isn’t. I’ll have to wait and see what happens and go from there.
Anyway, I got a Snapchat finally. I know I’m really behind but it took me some time to get the hang of it. My Snapcode is on the sidebar.
On Tuesday I went to get the ultrasounds to check out the breast lumps, they turned out to be nothing. That was a huge relief. The follow-up appointment with my doctor is on Thursday. There are still several concerns that need to be brought up. I wish they had the time to get through it all so I don’t have to keep going back there multiple times. My back pain and stomach problems haven’t been addressed yet. I guess I’ll have to just keep going in until everything has been dealt with. I was seeing a crappy doctor before who wasn’t doing anything about the problems and they just got worse. They also did bloodwork, and only had the results for one thing which was my blood sugar. They said it was a little high but I’m not considered diabetic. I’m just tired of running to all these appointments but things need to be checked out. I’ve been really worn out because of my insomnia and not getting much sleep.
It’s Easter and I don’t have any plans as usual since the family is in Pennsylvania. I just want to relax honestly.
This blog is about female related issues, so I’m putting it behind a cut.
I was going to put a new theme up, but I caught this horrible cold/flu virus thing that has been going around. Last Monday it started with a bad cough and got worse from there. I could hardly eat anything for several days and back pain was severe. It was hard to rest because of my insomnia. I’m finally feeling better and am trying to get caught up on things. I’m not sure when I’ll get to the theme.
Last Tuesday I saw a new doctor. She, unfortunately, didn’t have time to go over all the health problems I’ve been having. I did have an infection she prescribed me antibiotics for. I was supposed to go in today for bloodwork and to get urine test results, but the transportation service showed up an hour and 20 minutes late so I wasn’t able to make it. I had a similar problem with my last appointment. The cab called me, hung up on me, and drove off. I had to wait for another one to come and get me which took awhile and made me late. I had to reschedule today’s appointment for this Friday and chose a different company for transportation. I hope this one shows up on time. Unfortunately all the trouble I got into in 2015 with my arrest, I lost my license and vehicle so it’s been a huge pain to have to rely on these companies who can’t show up on time because it makes me look bad.
I have therapy on the 6th and I’m looking forward to that to talk about all my frustrations.
I know I just blogged, but something happened that was really bothersome to me. Someone stole the patio chair outside my apartment last night and threw it in the dumpster. It’s not so much about the chair, but the fact that someone was taking something outside my apartment late at night while I was asleep. When I woke up this morning, I started to head out to take out the trash and noticed the chair was gone. As I was taking out the trash, I looked in the empty dumpster out of curiosity and there it was. I sent an email to the office about it, and they offered to have maintenance get the chair back for me which was really nice. I had to leave for an appointment and the chair was back in its place when I got home. I have a pretty good idea who did it, but without proof, neither I nor the office can do anything. The guy next door absolutely hates smokers, so it wouldn’t surprise me if it was him. What he doesn’t realize is, I’ve been under a lot of stress and was smoking/vaping a bit more than usual. He would stand in his doorway and stare at me which made me uncomfortable. I keep trying to quit so I don’t have to deal with stuff like this, but it’s just so difficult especially with what’s been going on. I think he waited until I went to bed (it was late) to do it to minimize the risk of him being seen. He could have just discussed it with me instead of doing that. I will be bringing in the chair as well as the doormat (just in case) before I go to bed so there’s nothing out there for him to mess with.
I’m just afraid that this will escalate, but if it does, I’ll have to contact the police.
Pest control came Thursday and everything was ok. I didn’t need a follow-up treatment and was told I could put everything back. I spent the weekend moving the furniture back, putting all the other stuff back, cleaning, and doing laundry. That was such a pain having to move everything out of closets and cupboards then moving it all back.
I see a new doctor next week, I have a list of concerns about my back, stomach, my now swollen foot, and a few other things. I don’t know why my foot is swollen when I haven’t done anything to it. It’s all a bit worrying. I’m sure a lot of these problems may be related to all the weight gain from medications. I really need to get more exercise, but unfortunately, the gym here is under construction. It’s also been really hot here and is supposed to go up to 90+ degree temperatures. The apartment complex manager still hasn’t turned on the air conditioning (this place has an old system where you can only either have heat or air conditioning, not both). They said that the temperatures were too low at night (they aren’t) and it’s going to take awhile to get the chiller systems up and running. It’s not supposed to be on until the 20th. My apartment gets so hot during the day that it’s almost unbearable. I have several fans going and it doesn’t help much. I really don’t understand why they think it’s too cold at night. If people are cold, can’t they just put on a sweater? I may have to complain to the city because 94 degrees is too hot to be without air conditioning.
My anxiety has been horrible lately and the only thing that seems to help is by distracting myself by binge watching movies and TV shows on Netflix.
Some of the good movies and TV shows I’ve watched lately:
- Stranger Things
- The OA
- Degrassi Next Class
- Fuller House
- Finding Dory
- The Lazarus Project
Unfortunately, I’ll be waiting awhile for new seasons. There are more to watch, though. At least I found a way to keep my mind off of things even if it’s only for a little while.
I’ve been looking for a new doctor. The main reasons for that are my current one doesn’t take my secondary insurance, and she didn’t listen to me during the last visit. I got a bill in the mail for what my primary insurance didn’t pay. It’s not much, but I’d like to find a doctor who will take both. I’m still having back pain, and I’ve been having some pain and numbness in my right leg. I also am having a lot of stomach problems, it seems to hurt really often and I’m always running to the bathroom. The doctor thought it was because of anxiety, but I don’t think that’s the only reason. I’m always tired and have no energy.
I need a doctor who will listen and send me somewhere to have these things checked out. I’ve also gained a lot of weight, that might be because of the amounts of medications I’m on and the high doses. My depression has been bad as well. I thought that maybe it was because of the holidays, but they are over so I guess it’s not that. I see my psych doctor on Tuesday. I’m going to tell him that maybe it’s time to change my antidepressant to something I’ve never been on. It sucks feeling so blah and having no energy to get anything done.
Side note: I’ve opened an Etsy Shop.
I saw this writing prompt entry and decided to do it.
Reflecting on last year
- A happy memory was having a period of time when I wasn’t feeling so depressed for a few months.
- I was challenged by figuring out how to do sponsored blog posts. It took me some time to learn how to do it correctly.
- I was surprised by the election results.
- I learned to just ignore my new neighbors, even though they drive me nuts.
- I regret treating some people poorly because of mood swings and depression.
- I accomplished one of my goals of writing more.
- I feel good about going to a new therapist.
- I took care of myself by going to regular doctor and therapy visits.
- I wasted time/energy on worrying about things I can’t control.
- I’m grieving a friendship I had to end.
- I’m angry about the results of the election and how it will affect people, and how other people tend to treat me.
- I’m grateful for a place to live.
Looking forward to the new year
- I’m excited about new series and movies coming to Netflix.
- I plan to just keep going.
- I’m worried about losing my insurance and other things.
- When things don’t go as planned I will research an alternative.
- I wish for better health.
- This year is going to be great because it’s a fresh start.
- My intention for this year is to make it better than the last.
- I will take care of myself by spending much needed time to myself.
- Every day I plan to do something I enjoy.
- I will show myself compassion by not beating myself up for my mistakes.
- This year I want to add more friends to my life.
- I will accept myself by embracing my good qualities.
- I will accept others by listening to them.
- I will focus on doing what I can do and be ok if some things don’t get done immediately. One step at a time.