I’m not good with people and it’s difficult sometimes

I’ve never been good with people because of my autism, and I really don’t like when people put me on the spot or expect me to do things I’m not comfortable doing. There’s this young couple who lives 2 doors down from me and the guy’s mother is staying with them, and the father occasionally comes by and apparently, the son doesn’t want him to. Sometimes when I start to come outside for a cigarette, the father is sitting in my chair (which isn’t a big deal, but he can’t seem to leave me alone). He keeps asking me to do things that I’m not comfortable doing (knocking on his son and girlfriend’s door). I don’t know them and they don’t know me. The son tends to ignore the father’s efforts to contact him because I guess they don’t get along. The father keeps thanking me for doing these things when I don’t do them, I just say yeah ok when I really should say no. I just feel bad because it’s a sad situation all around. I just don’t want to get involved because it’s not my place to act as a mediator between father and son. I’m just going to have to say no and hope he doesn’t get too upset. I’m really not good with people and forced interaction. I just like to keep to myself honestly.

Always seem to be missing out

Today my apartment complex held a pool party with a DJ, food, drinks, and raffles for $100 gift cards. I wish I could have gone, but there were several reasons why I couldn’t. The reasons were this itchy skin condition, the heat, and feeling wiped out because my back flared up this morning. I always miss out on fun stuff. I used to be able to go to a lot of different things (I had a car then and don’t now, so that also makes it hard) when I was in my 20’s, but once I hit my 30’s, my physical and mental health have deteriorated. I miss being able to do a lot of things, it sucks getting older. Whenever I do miss something I wanted to go to, I feel pretty crappy about it for a day or two especially when other people tell me how much fun it was. At the end of the day, I just have to be okay with my decision not to go to some things if it would negatively affect my health.

Fidget spinners

Is anyone else on the spectrum annoyed about this fidget toy trend? I don’t even own one myself. Something that’s used to help people with autism, anxiety, ADHD, etc. is now some huge fad. I saw this article and would have to agree.

“Mum, it’s like everyone wants to be autistic like me now!” my 8-year-old daughter announced as she came out of school on Monday.

She was referring to the latest “craze” for the fidget spinner in her school (and it seems every other school in the country). Suddenly it was “cool” to want to fidget, and if you didn’t have the must-have fidget toy, you were somehow the odd one out.

It did somewhat amuse me to think that after an entire month of autism awareness all it actually took to make autism “cool” was a little handheld plastic and metal spinner!

I was considering a fidget cube awhile back, but never actually got one. I don’t exactly want to jump on this trend now.

Allergy mystery still unsolved

This allergic reaction is still going on, despite stopping a certain medication that may have been the cause. It may take awhile for it to leave my system. The doctor prescribed another round of steroids. She keeps saying it’s something I’m eating or using. I’ve only ever had allergic reactions to medications, nothing else. I know exactly what I’m eating and using and was eating and using these things with no problems a month ago but she won’t listen to me. She’s going to have to refer me to someone who can help me with finding the cause if it isn’t that medication. I need to allow some more time to see if it clears up and stay off that medication permanently. It’s just really frustrating because being red and itchy is not fun.

As far as therapy goes, I’ve decided not to do it at this time. I was really put off by the last therapist’s behavior, and I can’t seem to find another one I connect with. Honestly, I’ve only had 2 good therapists. The only reason why I’m not seeing them anymore is because they left to take a job elsewhere. I also want to cut back on appointments since the transportation services are a nightmare half the time. Last week I had a doctor appointment and was left stuck outside after they closed waiting for someone to show up for an hour and a half. When I complain, all I get is a half-assed apology. If only I had the money to reinstate my license and get a car.

Went to both doctors and switching therapists

Update: A new therapist called and he seemed kind of rude. I get really flustered on the phone because of anxiety and agreed to an appointment I didn’t really want. I called this morning to cancel. I’m just not having much luck with therapists and am getting too frustrated at this point, so I don’t really want therapy right now.

I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday, he took me off one medication because it wasn’t helping and prescribed something to help me sleep. It worked for one night so far. I miss the nights years ago when I could sleep normally. I think it’s related to my mental health and I have been going to therapy. I will have to switch to a different therapist because he kept bringing up sexual things and asking questions that I didn’t think were appropriate. I told him to stop making these comments and he made it seem like it was my fault because “everyone else talks about it”. I’m not really concerned with what “everyone else” is talking about, I’m not “everyone else”. It’s one thing if I brought it up, but I didn’t. It seemed like he was trying to make me feel bad about it. I asked a couple of people what they thought, and they thought he was out of line. He didn’t seem to like that I didn’t think his comments were appropriate and I want to see someone else. Oh well, I have every right to switch if I’m not comfortable.

Yesterday the regular doctor said the allergic reaction appears to be gone now but it could come back. She told me to pay attention to what I’m using (I haven’t changed anything). My skin has been really dry and it usually isn’t. I’ll have to wait and see what happens and go from there.

Anyway, I got a Snapchat finally. I know I’m really behind but it took me some time to get the hang of it. My Snapcode is on the sidebar.

Some good news

On Tuesday I went to get the ultrasounds to check out the breast lumps, they turned out to be nothing. That was a huge relief. The follow-up appointment with my doctor is on Thursday. There are still several concerns that need to be brought up. I wish they had the time to get through it all so I don’t have to keep going back there multiple times. My back pain and stomach problems haven’t been addressed yet. I guess I’ll have to just keep going in until everything has been dealt with. I was seeing a crappy doctor before who wasn’t doing anything about the problems and they just got worse. They also did bloodwork, and only had the results for one thing which was my blood sugar. They said it was a little high but I’m not considered diabetic. I’m just tired of running to all these appointments but things need to be checked out. I’ve been really worn out because of my insomnia and not getting much sleep.

It’s Easter and I don’t have any plans as usual since the family is in Pennsylvania. I just want to relax honestly.

I was sick for a week

I was going to put a new theme up, but I caught this horrible cold/flu virus thing that has been going around. Last Monday it started with a bad cough and got worse from there. I could hardly eat anything for several days and back pain was severe. It was hard to rest because of my insomnia. I’m finally feeling better and am trying to get caught up on things. I’m not sure when I’ll get to the theme.

Last Tuesday I saw a new doctor. She, unfortunately, didn’t have time to go over all the health problems I’ve been having. I did have an infection she prescribed me antibiotics for. I was supposed to go in today for bloodwork and to get urine test results, but the transportation service showed up an hour and 20 minutes late so I wasn’t able to make it. I had a similar problem with my last appointment. The cab called me, hung up on me, and drove off. I had to wait for another one to come and get me which took awhile and made me late. I had to reschedule today’s appointment for this Friday and chose a different company for transportation. I hope this one shows up on time. Unfortunately all the trouble I got into in 2015 with my arrest, I lost my license and vehicle so it’s been a huge pain to have to rely on these companies who can’t show up on time because it makes me look bad.

I have therapy on the 6th and I’m looking forward to that to talk about all my frustrations.

People are crazy

I know I just blogged, but something happened that was really bothersome to me. Someone stole the patio chair outside my apartment last night and threw it in the dumpster. It’s not so much about the chair, but the fact that someone was taking something outside my apartment late at night while I was asleep. When I woke up this morning, I started to head out to take out the trash and noticed the chair was gone. As I was taking out the trash, I looked in the empty dumpster out of curiosity and there it was. I sent an email to the office about it, and they offered to have maintenance get the chair back for me which was really nice. I had to leave for an appointment and the chair was back in its place when I got home. I have a pretty good idea who did it, but without proof, neither I nor the office can do anything. The guy next door absolutely hates smokers, so it wouldn’t surprise me if it was him. What he doesn’t realize is, I’ve been under a lot of stress and was smoking/vaping a bit more than usual. He would stand in his doorway and stare at me which made me uncomfortable. I keep trying to quit so I don’t have to deal with stuff like this, but it’s just so difficult especially with what’s been going on. I think he waited until I went to bed (it was late) to do it to minimize the risk of him being seen. He could have just discussed it with me instead of doing that. I will be bringing in the chair as well as the doormat (just in case) before I go to bed so there’s nothing out there for him to mess with.

I’m just afraid that this will escalate, but if it does, I’ll have to contact the police.

Everything went ok

Pest control came Thursday and everything was ok. I didn’t need a follow-up treatment and was told I could put everything back. I spent the weekend moving the furniture back, putting all the other stuff back, cleaning, and doing laundry. That was such a pain having to move everything out of closets and cupboards then moving it all back.

I see a new doctor next week, I have a list of concerns about my back, stomach, my now swollen foot, and a few other things. I don’t know why my foot is swollen when I haven’t done anything to it. It’s all a bit worrying. I’m sure a lot of these problems may be related to all the weight gain from medications. I really need to get more exercise, but unfortunately, the gym here is under construction. It’s also been really hot here and is supposed to go up to 90+ degree temperatures. The apartment complex manager still hasn’t turned on the air conditioning (this place has an old system where you can only either have heat or air conditioning, not both). They said that the temperatures were too low at night (they aren’t) and it’s going to take awhile to get the chiller systems up and running. It’s not supposed to be on until the 20th. My apartment gets so hot during the day that it’s almost unbearable. I have several fans going and it doesn’t help much. I really don’t understand why they think it’s too cold at night. If people are cold, can’t they just put on a sweater? I may have to complain to the city because 94 degrees is too hot to be without air conditioning.

Netflix helps my anxiety

My anxiety has been horrible lately and the only thing that seems to help is by distracting myself by binge watching movies and TV shows on Netflix.

Some of the good movies and TV shows I’ve watched lately:

  • Stranger Things
  • The OA
  • Degrassi Next Class
  • Fuller House
  • Frequency
  • Finding Dory
  • The Lazarus Project

Unfortunately, I’ll be waiting awhile for new seasons. There are more to watch, though. At least I found a way to keep my mind off of things even if it’s only for a little while.

Looking for a new doctor

I’ve been looking for a new doctor. The main reasons for that are my current one doesn’t take my secondary insurance, and she didn’t listen to me during the last visit. I got a bill in the mail for what my primary insurance didn’t pay. It’s not much, but I’d like to find a doctor who will take both. I’m still having back pain, and I’ve been having some pain and numbness in my right leg. I also am having a lot of stomach problems, it seems to hurt really often and I’m always running to the bathroom. The doctor thought it was because of anxiety, but I don’t think that’s the only reason. I’m always tired and have no energy.

I need a doctor who will listen and send me somewhere to have these things checked out. I’ve also gained a lot of weight, that might be because of the amounts of medications I’m on and the high doses. My depression has been bad as well. I thought that maybe it was because of the holidays, but they are over so I guess it’s not that. I see my psych doctor on Tuesday. I’m going to tell him that maybe it’s time to change my antidepressant to something I’ve never been on. It sucks feeling so blah and having no energy to get anything done.

Side note: I’ve opened an Etsy Shop.

Reflecting and looking forward

I saw this writing prompt entry and decided to do it.

Reflecting on last year

  • A happy memory was having a period of time when I wasn’t feeling so depressed for a few months.
  • I was challenged by figuring out how to do sponsored blog posts. It took me some time to learn how to do it correctly.
  • I was surprised by the election results.
  • I learned to just ignore my new neighbors, even though they drive me nuts.
  • I regret treating some people poorly because of mood swings and depression.
  • I accomplished one of my goals of writing more.
  • I feel good about going to a new therapist.
  • I took care of myself by going to regular doctor and therapy visits.
  • I wasted time/energy on worrying about things I can’t control.
  • I’m grieving a friendship I had to end.
  • I’m angry about the results of the election and how it will affect people, and how other people tend to treat me.
  • I’m grateful for a place to live.

Looking forward to the new year

  • I’m excited about new series and movies coming to Netflix.
  • I plan to just keep going.
  • I’m worried about losing my insurance and other things.
  • When things don’t go as planned I will research an alternative.
  • I wish for better health.
  • This year is going to be great because it’s a fresh start.
  • My intention for this year is to make it better than the last.
  • I will take care of myself by spending much needed time to myself.
  • Every day I plan to do something I enjoy.
  • I will show myself compassion by not beating myself up for my mistakes.
  • This year I want to add more friends to my life.
  • I will accept myself by embracing my good qualities.
  • I will accept others by listening to them.
  • I will focus on doing what I can do and be ok if some things don’t get done immediately. One step at a time.

2017

On New Year’s Eve, there were fireworks but I wasn’t able to see them well with all the trees in the way. They were on the other side of the complex and this place is huge. The country club next door does them. I didn’t have enough time to get over there because they were over so quickly. The fireworks on the 4th of July and New Year’s Eve used to be good, now they’re not. Probably budget cuts or something. I really wanted to go to the music festival that was on Friday and Saturday night, but the tickets were very expensive and the transportation would have cost too much because it was a bit far.

I’m actually glad the holidays are over because they make me depressed. Today I spent most of the day in bed because I just felt so lousy. I met with my new therapist last week and he seemed really nice. He thinks I’m depressed because of the holidays too.

I got a notice on my door the other day that the water here is going to be off from January 3-6 from 8-5. That’s really crazy. Whenever there is a leak, water to the entire property has to be shut off. They’re doing this to fix it so that doesn’t have to happen. It’s still really inconvenient to be without water for 8 hours for 3 days. I will have to put water in containers to get by until it’s back on in the evening.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a good holiday. I hope this year is better. I’m terrible at keeping New Year’s resolutions, so my resolution for this year is to just keep going.

“It isn’t only a new year; it is a new chance for everyone to restart.” – Mohammed Sekouty

One week til Christmas

It certainly doesn’t feel like Christmas is soon. I used to have a Christmas tree, lights, and other decorations, but the rats in the old apartment chewed it all up. It all had to be thrown away. My mom got me one thing I wanted:


A Hello Kitty sweater

It’s always hard during holidays because nobody can afford plane tickets to see each other. I’ve asked my mom to Skype but she won’t do it, she doesn’t really want anything to do with technology I guess. I ask her every year and it’s always a no. I feel kind of hurt that she doesn’t want to make the effort to video chat with me. I don’t know, I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t really care to see me even if it’s only by video chat. Maybe I’m overreacting.

The doctor wasn’t much help

I saw the doctor yesterday, and I felt like I wasted most of my day. It took awhile for me to be seen. I told her about the pain in my ear, stomach, and back. She looked in my ear and said there’s really nothing wrong and it’s probably a dental issue. She dismissed my back and stomach pain. I made an appointment with the dentist, I’m worried because I don’t have insurance and will need help from family for the costs. It’s like the dentist’s office didn’t believe me either. I guess because I have mental illnesses, people don’t take me seriously. My doctor prescribed me an anti-nausea medication which isn’t really helping. I feel like crap. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow that I really don’t want to cancel because I’ve been waiting for over a month to see him. My psychiatrist said I should have my back x-rayed, but my regular doctor doesn’t seem concerned at all with it. The next time I see him I’ll have to tell him that. I may have to start looking for a new doctor, but I’m afraid the same thing will happen (them not believing me about the pain). At least at the dentist, if they find something it’ll get taken care of.

Not feeling well again

I had a horrible stomach virus at the beginning of November, now I’m having stomach issues again (but not nearly as bad as before) and either ear or tooth pain. I’m not even due to go to the dentist yet, I first want to see if it’s my ear because many times before when I had pain and went to the dentist, it wasn’t my teeth and ended up being an ear infection. I go to the doctor on Tuesday, I called this past Tuesday so that will be a week. It usually doesn’t take that long to get in, but a lot of people are sick right now because of the weather change.

I was feeling ok enough to go get a haircut today. I wasn’t at all happy with the salon I went to. Apparently, it was one of those quick salons but I didn’t know that. There is only one guy there and he was kind of rude. I was shaking with anxiety because he made me uncomfortable. I brought in a picture of how I wanted it cut and he didn’t take more than 10 minutes and said he was done. I just wanted to get out of there so I just said I liked it so I could pay and leave. I definitely won’t be going back there. If he wasn’t so intimidating I would have had him do more. I was the only person in there and their Facebook page didn’t have many likes, and then I knew why. I will have to go back to the salon I went to before even though it’s more expensive. I’m feeling like crap again now probably because of the anxiety attack I had earlier.

It’s cold outside

I’ve been really cold. It’s not as cold as when I lived in Pennsylvania where it can get below 0, but in Arizona, I’m used to very high temperatures most of the year. The apartment complex I live in uses a chiller system, it’s an old system that I’m not too fond of because you can only have either air conditioning or heat, not both at the same time. They finally shut down the chiller systems today, and they have to be down for at least 2 days before the heat can be turned on. I was told it will be on Wednesday. I’ve been having to use a space heater because management wouldn’t start the process of getting the heat on until after Thanksgiving, because they say too many people would complain if the heat was on while they are preparing Thanksgiving dinner, saying it would be too hot.

My Thanksgiving was pretty dull, I just made a casserole because I didn’t want to go through all the trouble of making a huge meal just for myself. I also met some neighbors, a husband, and wife. The husband has mental illnesses which are pretty obvious and he told me about. They have knocked on my door at night before and I got irritated. Just the husband knocked on the door last night because he was out of cigarettes. I gave him a couple because he has done the same for me a few times. He started rambling on and on and not much of it made sense, so I told him I had to go back inside and he left. I’m going to have to tell him that we seem to be on different schedules. He and his wife sleep during the day and are up at night. I am up during the day and go to bed at night. I really don’t want anyone knocking on the door after dark.

Got a refund

The seller gave me a refund without me having to ship it back, so that’s good. I think I’ll be avoiding that site from now on, seems to be mostly cheap stuff from China. I found a lot of complaints online about them.

Today .blog domains were available for registration, pretty much any good name is a “premium” domain for thousands of dollars. So much for that. I didn’t have the money anyway, and the names I would want I can’t get. I’ll be sticking with this domain, I’ve had it since 2008. I don’t even need to renew it until 2018.