Getting scared now

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Got the flu

Yesterday I started feeling really sick and looked up flu symptoms, I seem to have most of them. So I won’t be making it to the Whitechapel show tonight. :-< This month has been disappointing because of missed concerts I paid for and couldn't attend. Things just happen I guess. I hope I'm better for my appointment on Monday, I've already rescheduled that twice so I really need to go. I do feel very slightly better than yesterday but I'm going to stay home and rest. I haven't really been able to eat either, and just showering has been a struggle. I haven't felt this awful in a long time. :-& I hope I get better soon. [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2032″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
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Can’t think of a title

I tried switching hosts again and surprise, surprise, my site wouldn’t work. It just doesn’t make any sense to me why it won’t work with other hosts. Support was too slow and I couldn’t get my site fixed so I canceled. It was a good deal, $25 (with coupon) for a year of hosting. I wanted to save money because my current host charges too much for a yearly pan so I pay monthly. Cheaper isn’t always better I guess. I have noticed my site has been a little slow lately, not sure what’s going on. Probably because I have too many plugins running. :))

I’ve been going through a tough depression, things going on in my life have me stressed out and I’m just overwhelmed and want to stay in bed. I have to go in to the doctor’s office on Monday for an annual assessment to check my progress. There has been none, in fact, I’ve gotten worse. The nurse said she will see if the doctor can squeeze me in so I can discuss this and medications. I doubt it will happen since he is constantly booked. I think I’ll mention to the nurse that I don’t like the new policy of not being able to schedule appointments when I need to, not that it’ll do any good. Phoenix is a large city so they wanted to cut down the amount of appointments because the doctor was seeing so many patients he couldn’t keep track of all their health concerns. I wish I could go somewhere else, but this is the only place that will take my lousy insurance. I just wish they never did this change, I was able to see my psychiatrist whenever I needed to, now you have to call pretty much every day to see if he has an opening because they won’t schedule out farther than 1-2 days now. :-< [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2025″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
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Fixed the member registration issue

You can now register and receive your password e-mails to log in. I’ve also deleted users who were not active, so if you want to be a member you’ll have to register again. Being a member allows you to see my private entries that I post occasionally that I don’t want to be public.

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Just a quick entry

I’m finally feeling better, so that’s good. I’m going to be seeing Whitechapel on Thursday so I’m looking forward to that. I need to go out and have some fun and not stress about everything going on in my life.

I removed the member registration thing, it wasn’t sending out registration e-mails and people wouldn’t use it anyway.

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Sick again and more drama

I’m sick yet again with what I think is a stomach bug. I don’t know why I keep getting sick. Hopefully it won’t last long.

There’s more drama between those two ladies and I again. I got a letter from my friend saying I’m accusing her of things and she doesn’t like being called a liar. I never called her a liar. The other lady keeps making up stuff to get me into trouble, and now my friend is starting to see that. You have to watch everything you say or do or the other lady will report you to the office. My friend and I think it’s her who ratted out one of the neighbors who got two new dogs and a boyfriend moved in without permission from the manager. This is just getting so ridiculous, a 62 year old starting all this drama like it’s high school. I’m so over this crap, seriously. Maybe I should start just keeping to myself. Everything was fine until that old drama queen moved in.

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I need to vent

I use this blog sometimes as kind of therapy because it helps me to write things down that are bothering me. First of all, I’m worried about the rent increase because I don’t want to move and can’t find anything cheaper with square footage being similar to this place. Very few have all utilities included like this place. Second, my mental and physical health has been poor, the doctor keeps saying “we’ll get you feeling better soon” every time he sees me. I’ve been having problems since I was 3 so it’s unlikely my mental health will improve. Then there are bills I can’t pay and I have to worry about collection agencies and potential lawsuits. I’m also still in love with my ex which is really hard. This has not been a good year for me, it seems everything is going downhill and getting worse. I’ve just been trying to take it day by day, but my OCD thinking gets the best of me.

I’m going to keep praying that things will get better. [-O< [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”2003″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
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I wanted to write a mini review on the plugin CleanTalk. It’s a great anti-spam plugin you can use to eliminate spam without the use of CAPTCHAS, math questions, etc. There is a catch, though. It’s only a free trial. You can purchase the full version for 1 website for only $8/year. I no longer have to deal with the ridiculous amount of spam member registrations, it’s great. On a scale of 1 to 10 I’d give it a 10.

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Ordered a new top

I found this top at Hot Topic that I absolutely love:


I can’t wait until it arrives! I know fall is here but I also bought a long sleeve top to go over it and my other sleeveless tops.

And some site updates, I added buttons in the domain section to link back to me (if you want to of course). I also added a new anti-spam plugin since the captchas weren’t keeping the spammers away, so you shouldn’t need to enter a captcha when you comment anymore. I’m also looking for people to exchange links with (personal blogs only). If I link you on my blogroll I’d hope you do the same (that’s the whole point of a link exchange, right?). If you’re not already on the blogroll and want to exchange links, go contact me.

How are you spending the 3 day weekend (Monday is Columbus day in the US)?
Have you bought anything new lately?

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So much for seeing Skrillex

I got to the venue and there was absolutely no parking. I had to turn around and go home. The whole place was so confusing I couldn’t find anything, so many buildings. A venue like that should have a parking garage, not a few little lots. I’m so disappointed, I really wanted to see him. Plus I’m now out $46 for the ticket which is non-refundable. I got there early and everything. Really big bummer. :-< Maybe next time he comes he'll come to a different venue? Kind of doubtful though. [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”1963″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
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I still can’t get over her

Even though my ex-girlfriend (I’m bi) and I broke up months ago, I still can’t get over her. It sucks having to see her whenever I want to go outside to smoke (we’re not allowed to smoke in our apartments here). It’s like the breakup didn’t phase her at all, she dumped me and broke my heart. My heart is still broken and I don’t know what to do to get over it. Her being with someone else makes me feel jealous and more hurt. She was seeing a guy too while we were dating, but for some reason it bothers me that she may find another woman. What has worked for me in the past after a breakup is cutting off all contact, but she’s always around so that’s hard to do. Maybe I’m having these feelings because I’m depressed and lonely, or it could be because it’s that time of the month. Someday I hope to find someone who won’t break my heart.

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Seeing Skrillex on Thursday

Edit: It looks like some storms are coming through, hope it doesn’t affect me being able to go.

Thursday night I will be seeing Skrillex (another electronic music producer).


I’m so unbelievably anxious about this. I guess it’s because it’s a venue I’ve never been to, because places I’ve never been make me completely anxious. When I get to a venue and am inside I start to feel better, but the fear of what will or will not happen before it comes to that point is what sets my anxiety into overdrive. Especially parking lots, god those make me anxious for some reason. My anxiety disorder is so bad that I will get sick before having to go somewhere. I’m currently on Xanax, but that doesn’t seem to be strong enough to ease the anxiety enough. My doctor also put me on something else for anxiety, but it doesn’t help much either. My brain constantly goes through this “what if?” cycle and I can’t calm down. I keep trying to tell myself that everything will be alright but it doesn’t always help. Ever since I was a kid, my brain always used this type of thinking, to worry about something bad always happening. I need to try to focus on the present rather than the future all the time. My illnesses get in the way of me getting out much, all I really go out and do is get groceries or go to the pharmacy. I need to get out more and step out of my comfort zone a little bit. I really miss my therapist (he left to take another job elsewhere), he wasn’t much help because he tried everything with me, but I actually find this blog more therapeutic.

Hopefully the rain holds off for that night, because it’s an outdoor venue and I can’t see them having all that electronic equipment working in the rain. We’ve been getting a lot of monsoons, more than usual. I’m just going to try to relax for now as hard as that may be.

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Sorry for the downtime

Some of you may have noticed the site being down for awhile (maybe not). Whenever I try to switch hosts, my site will just not work at all. I don’t know what it is, it’s been several hosting companies. Seems kind of strange to me. I guess I will stick to my current host, Host Gator. They have awesome support, affordable prices, and unlimited everything.

I just don’t know what it is with this site. I guess it’s best to just leave things alone now. :-??

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I talked to my friend (briefly)

I want to expand a little bit on this post. I talked to my friend a little bit and she said our friendship has indeed changed. She claims that I always don’t feel well or am having trouble with my mental illnesses (which is true, I guess). It almost feels like she doesn’t want to be around me because I’m mentally ill. Sorry, I’ve been that way since I was a kid, there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m in treatment, I’m doing the best I can. Seems like people are more understanding of a physical disability rather than a mental one. :-< One good thing is I got out of jury duty because of my illnesses with a doctor's note. This is the second time I've been summoned. I'm going to be going through a legal battle (that's all I will disclose here) and the stress of that has not made things any easier on me. I have asked her to watch a movie but she's always busy with her boyfriend so it never seems to be a good time. I don't know, I wish she was a bit more understanding and less into her new friend. I'm always feeling left out when I sit outside with them and it's not a good feeling. I wish that other lady would just (excuse my language) fuck off so things could go back to the way they were, but that's not going to happen. Her and her boyfriend have been going back and forth talking about moving, a part of me wishes they would. [custom_field field=”mood” post_id=”1921″ limit=”0″ before=”Mood: ” after=”” between=”, ” /]
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My parents moved again

My parents moved again (seems like they’re always moving) to a town called Hermitage, PA. I’ve never heard of it, but that’s where they could find a house they could afford. Apparently they didn’t like apartment living and wanted another house. I wish I could afford one because I hate apartment living.

My mom will be flying out to visit later this month, I’m looking forward to it because I haven’t seen her in a about a year.

Haven’t had much to blog about lately, been sick (again) and am feeling better finally. I can’t believe it’s October already, where did September go? It went by so fast. I’m liking the cooler weather (if you can call 80 degree temperatures cooler) but nights seem pretty chilly. It looks like it’ll be warming back up into the 90’s though. At least it’s not triple digits like it was.

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