I just don’t know

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Lately I’ve been feeling like the new neighbor lady has ruined mine and my friend’s friendship. I noticed my friend will talk more and pay more attention to her than me, even though we’ve been friends for over a year and the new lady has only been here a few months. I don’t really like her, she seems to know everything about everyone around here for only living here for a few months. She knows things like who is late on their rent, who is renewing or not renewing their lease, etc. She acts like she owns the place. I’ve been here 3 years and I don’t act like that. She’s one of those. Both my friend and I have been warned about her. I know that if I say anything about my friend to her she’ll run and tell her everything I said, even things I didn’t say. It’s like she wants to get my friend and I to fight on purpose. I wish she never moved in, honestly. She sometimes acts like she’s my mother and can tell me what to do because she’s older.

Apartment living I guess, sometimes you get wackos who move in.

Mood: Blah
Listening to: TLC - Creep

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No more Tumblr

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I decided to delete my Tumblr because I barely use it. Someone messaged me on there to ask why I’m not posting as much, it was because this is my main blog and I decided I only want one.

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Nothing

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Help Alvin Get Well

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I saw this fundraiser from a woman who is a member of one of the Facebook groups I’m in and it really touched me. Check out the fundraiser here. Alvin really needs help so I’m just trying to get the word out there. [-O<

Mood: Stressed
Listening to: Nothing

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Living with Asperger’s is not easy

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I wanted to get some stuff off my chest because I’m feeling upset for reasons I won’t get into here. My Asperger’s is really hard to live with. For some, it’s not that bad. There are very different levels of functioning and ability among those who are on the spectrum. For me, things tend to be more difficult.

I can’t really relate to people, understand them, or work out their intentions. Any friendship or relationship I’ve been in has led to arguing and fighting because of the things I say. I’m very open so I always say what I’m thinking. This usually tends to piss people off which is not my intention. It’s just very draining to be around people also. I also have difficulty when someone approaches me and tries to talk to me. I freeze up and stumble over my words.

I’m in an Asperger’s group on Facebook, and even those people I don’t relate to. They all seem proud to have it and wouldn’t change it. I on the other hand, wish there was a cure so I can be more “normal” and have good relationships with people. I like spending most of my time alone because it’s when I feel more myself. When I’m around people, it’s like I have to “pretend” to be like everybody else. I feel like my mom is the only person I can have a decent relationship with without any problems, probably because she’s been there for me my whole life.

Sometimes I feel like I’m better off alone so I don’t have people in my life who just don’t understand and end up treating me badly. I don’t trust many people because of this. I wish I could deal with people better, but it’s just not in me to be social. I’d rather e-mail or text someone to communicate rather than talk on the phone or in person. I even went to college online so I didn’t have to put myself through even more stress of being around people so much. I need what I call “no people time”. This is a time for me to be alone and do my own thing without others.

I guess people are just going to have to accept all of this or just not be my friend.

Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: Porter Robinson - Sad Machine

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My doctor asked me to do this

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I’m supposed to be listing 5 things daily that I’m grateful for, for my doctor. These are the ones I’ve come up with:

1. My parents
2. A roof over my head
3. Food
4. Being alive
5. Having a car to get around

The doctor says it will help my depression, but it hasn’t. I’ve had major depressive disorder for a long time. It’s hard to treat. Most days are just really hard on me. I do have an ok day once in awhile though. It’s hard for people to understand this type of depression without actually living with it. I just try to take it day by day.

Mood: Bored
Listening to: Deadmau5 - Avaritia

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Looking for a new theme

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Edit: I think I’ll keep this theme for now, I haven’t found anything else I like better.

I’ve been Google searching for weeks and can’t find a theme that suits me or this site. Most of what I find are photo blog related and I’m not really into posting many photos. Does anyone know of maybe someone’s personal blog that offers themes?

I really like this theme a lot, but I don’t want to keep it up forever.

Mood: Ok
Listening to: Nothing

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Porter Robinson was awesome

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He was amazing last night, had the whole venue going crazy. I didn’t get any pictures or video because there were too many people and I’m short. This guy came up to me and asked what I do for a living, and tried to explain my situation and he didn’t understand. I hate being asked that because I’m disabled, and when they ask how, I hate explaining that too. My friends who are older and wiser than me say if a guy asked you that first when you just meet, he’s just looking for someone with money. I’m not good at talking to people, so I probably shouldn’t have told him my situation because honestly it was none of his business. I had fun anyway. And to think I was not going to go, I would have missed an awesome show.

On a completely unrelated note, I’m making pasta salad (from a box, because my homemade pasta salad is expensive and time consuming).

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This isn’t too expensive and isn’t bad. I’d recommend giving it a try.

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Porter Robinson - Hear the Bells

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31 today

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Today is my 31st birthday. I’ve noticed as you get older, birthdays don’t seem to be as big of a deal as they used to be. Not many people have wished me a happy birthday. Oh well. I bought a cake for myself (since family is all on the other side of the country) and it wasn’t very good. Maybe next time I’ll order a cake that has the right frosting I like on it. Here’s a picture of it anyway:

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It’s hard to believe I’m 31, sometimes I don’t feel like it. I’m going to still try to enjoy the rest of my day even though it is uneventful.

Mood: Bored
Listening to: You Me At Six - Room to Breathe

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Higher rent

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I learned yesterday that my apartment complex would be raising rent by $100. Good thing I have until May or June when my lease runs out so I don’t have to pay it until then. The reason for this increase? The owner wants more money to buy more properties. They got rid of discounts, and the night monitor to cut costs. I wish he would think of the residents rather than just himself. These places are old, run down, and tiny. They are not worth what they’re asking for at all. I have looked around and there’s nothing cheaper with utilities included (they’re all included here). It’s too expensive to pay utilities when the air conditioning pretty much has to run most of the year because it’s so hot. I’m just not happy about this because I really can’t afford it, but I need a place to live.

Mood: Eh
Listening to: Nothing

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Feeling a little better

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I’m feeling a little better physically, but am not 100% yet. I went to my psychiatrist yesterday morning and was prescribed a new anti-depressant that also helps insomnia. So far it’s been making me really tired. I’m hoping it’ll make me feel better mood-wise because I’ve been feeling really low. I’m seeing Porter Robinson on the 10th so that will cheer me up. For those who don’t know who he is, he’s an electronic music producer.

I wish I knew what to do about the awful noise from my upstairs neighbors. They make very loud banging noises throughout the night and keep me awake. I’ve complained before and they’re still being noisy. It literally sounds like they’re going to come through my ceiling. They do seem mostly quiet tonight so far, maybe because yesterday was a holiday they were noisy because of that. I don’t know, it seems this place has really gotten noisy the past year. I do wish I asked for an upstairs apartment before I moved in here. I guess that’s just apartment living and I have to live with it. It’s strange though, other apartments I lived in there was no noise above me, I couldn’t hear anyone else. I’ve thought about moving, but there’s nothing as affordable as it is here. I don’t have to pay utilities.

My friends and I are also having problems with a neighbor, she’s being (for lack of a better word), a bitch. She complains about us sitting outside smoking and has reported us to the office. The office says we are allowed to sit out there as long as we aren’t being too noisy. It’s like she’s been finding any little thing to complain about to try to get us into trouble. We never say anything when she lets her kids run around here screaming their heads off. It’s not the smoking she’s complaining about (she smokes herself), it’s the YouTube videos we watch, they’re apparently “too loud”. In all honesty they aren’t, and it’s not like we are out there late at night, this is during the day or early evening. I don’t know what her problem is, but this is just a recent thing she’s been doing. She needs to mind her own business.

Well, that’s it for now, I’m going back to sleep. :-h

Mood: Tired
Listening to: The Pretty Reckless - Fucked Up World

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Labor Day weekend

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It’s labor day weekend and I have no plans, I’ve been feeling really sick the past several days. I think I have some kind of virus, I feel so yucky. Mostly I’ve been sleeping (when I can) or doing pretty much nothing. I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday that I cannot miss so I hope I’m feeling better by then (it took me weeks to get this appointment, and I have a medical excuse form I need filled out by the deadline).

I don’t know what else to say really, just wishing everyone a safe and happy labor day to those who celebrate it.

Mood: Blah
Listening to: Nothing

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Dear mind

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I’ve had this problem for years. I think about everything, and I mean everything at night when I want to sleep. Does anyone else have this problem or have any suggestions? It’s 3:40 AM right now and my mind keeps racing and I can’t sleep.

Mood: Awake
Listening to: Nothing More - This is the Time

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Goals

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I’m turning 31 on September 8th, and got inspired to write this by Kya’s entry. I can’t come up with 31 things, as I’d rather set small goals to be more realistic for me to do.

1. Figure out my bad financial problems.
Don’t make my debt any worse.

2. Quit smoking, or at least switch back to my electronic cigarettes.
This will be a tough one.

3. Cut down on all the soda drinking.
This will also be a tough one.

4. Worry less and be more positive.
Again, this will be tough because of my OCD.

5. Stop with all the online shopping.
I need to do this because I don’t have a large income.

So that’s 5 goals, more than enough for me to deal with at the moment.

Mood: Anxious
Listening to: Stand by Me - Ben E King

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Cheaper isn’t always better

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I tried to switch hosts to save money, and this company (that I won’t mention unless asked) offered unlimited hosting for about $23/year so I jumped on it. I had nothing but problems with FTP, my site not working, no cPanel, etc. I’m sticking with my current host where I pay $8.95/month for unlimited hosting and I’ve had no problems, been with them for awhile. I recommend Host Gator, they’re great.

Mood: Blah
Listening to: Michael Jackson - Beat it

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Note to people who want to register

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I lock some of my entries for personal reasons, so you have to register and login to see them. Lately I’ve been getting tons of spam registrations so it’s possible I didn’t approve you because I couldn’t tell if you were a bot or not. The best thing to do is E-mail me with your username so I can activate you.

Mood: Bored
Listening to: The radio

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Had a bad day

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I don’t know if it’s because it’s that time of the month (sorry, TMI, but relevant), but my OCD was horrible today. I was completely obsessed with all the bills I had to pay, mental health issues, family stuff, friend stuff. I think I drove my friends and my mom crazy too because I couldn’t stop going on and on about the same things. I can’t seem to focus on anything else either. I’m worn out from all of it. Talking to my mom helped a bit, but I can’t seem to talk much to my friends because they have their own issues and probably are tired of hearing about mine. I wish I had more caring and understanding friends.

I wish I could find a way to let this OCD stop controlling my life, but so far doctors haven’t been able to help me. If I could just focus on other things that would be great, but that could be me ADD (which my doctor doesn’t want to treat for some reason).

Just needed to vent.

Mood: Obsessive/tired
Listening to: Nothing

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RIP Robin Williams

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I was very saddened to hear about his death. I loved the movies he was in and he always made me laugh. He also reminded me a lot of my dad. I don’t know what to say other than that, it’s just shocking sad news. What a terrible loss.

robin

Mood: Sad
Listening to: Nothing

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